Jeff Wysaski
1710: William Cullen, a doctor and chemist, is born. For some reason, his boring life and lack of worldly accomplishments will later be memorialized as a completely worthless entry in Wikipedia.
1865: Abraham Lincoln dies the morning after his infamous night at Ford’s Theatre. Upon examining Lincoln’s skull, Surgeon General Joseph Barnes finds the bullet of John Wilkes Booth lodged 6 inches inside the president’s brain. It is believed that Lincoln’s last words, “damn it Barnes, get your finger out of there,” were in direct response to this probe.
1889: Famed Roman Catholic missionary, Father Damien, dies. After years of working with leprosy colonies in Hawaii, no one was particularly surprised by the Father’s eventual cause of death – being crushed underneath a 30-ton water turbine that was improperly harnessed to a commerce train headed for Lake Halali.
1912: The Titanic passenger liner collides with an iceberg in the North Atlantic. Tragically, the iceberg sinks in a matter of hours.
1924: Rand McNally publishes its first road atlas. While early sales are abysmal, appeal for the maps improve dramatically a couple years later, when Rand McNally abandons their original “one-road-per-atlas” business strategy.
2009: While doing research for a pointless blog post, a future kung fu superstar realizes that today is the United States deadline for filing individual tax returns. Panicked, the young man rips into the unopened TurboTax software box that has been sitting on his computer desk for the past 4 weeks. In his haste, a nasty cardboard paper cut results.
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