Jeff Wysaski
Congratulations! If you are reading this, then you are the proud new owner of a JinnCo brand genie enslavement oil lamp (JinnCo – the leader in genie enslavement technology). To help you find pure satisfaction in your genie enslavement experience, here are some answers to the most frequently asked questions we have received about our lamps:
Does my JinnCo brand antique oil lamp come pre-bundled with my very own magical genie?
No. It is JinnCo’s official stance that using your own ingenuity and trickery to capture your genie is an essential component of the genie enslavement experience. Not only is genie capture just plain fun, but it also simplifies the wish granting process. In the past, JinnCo-captured genies became confused and disoriented when the JinnCo employee who captured them eventually tried to transfer servitude over to the customer.* For your convenience, a guide to capturing genies can be found among the documentation provided with your lamp (Document #FF02).
After I catch my genie, how does this whole wish thing work?
Though genies are incredibly filthy and deceptive, they are obligated to abide by the genie’s code, which requires them to grant ANY THREE WISHES that are requested from their master (that’s you!).** When you think of something you want to wish for, you merely summon your genie from the lamp and verbally order him to grant it to you!
I’m having trouble summoning my genie. HELP!
JinnCo brand antique oil lamps feature ADVANCED rubbing action that is guaranteed to summon your genie in three rubs or less. Simply rub, stroke or wipe the side of your lamp and the genie should materialize (warning: DO NOT pat or poke the lamp). If you purchased a lamp from JinnCo’s AdvanTech line of lamps, please refer to the included Instructions Document to receive further info on setting up your premium Fingerprint Recognition system.
My genie won’t shut up and exhibits erratic behavior. How do I calm him down?
You can’t. Most likely, you have captured the genie from Disney’s Aladdin. This genie, voiced by Robin Williams, is especially irritating and quite possibly on drugs. It is suggested you use your three wishes as quickly as possible and attempt to catch a second genie.
I can’t decide what to wish for! Any suggestions?
Many of our customers have difficulty narrowing their boundless greed and selfishness down to just three wishes. While we cannot make any decisions for you, we can tell you that the most popular wishes among previous customers include exorbitant sums of money, positions of power (kings, queens, Olympics gymnastics judges, etc.) and custom-made articles of spandex clothing that “mold perfectly to my unique physical form.”
What are the chances that my genie will escape from my lamp and exact his revenge by transforming me into a goat (or similar farm animal)?
Not to worry – this is where your investment in a JinnCo brand genie enslavement oil lamp really pays off. Thanks to the advanced security and craftsmanship offered by JinnCo, we can proudly say that NONE of our antique oil lamps have ever been breached by a captured genie.***
Is there an expiration date on my wishes?
Absolutely not. Your genie is sworn to your servitude for any length of time, so long as all three wishes are not yet granted. In fact, some JinnCo customers intentionally withhold their third and final wish forever. For some, this is because they want the pleasure of torturing their genies for all eternity by having them buried with them when they die. But for most, they simply come to understand that no wish, no matter how great, could ever replace the unique gift that is the companionship and servitude of their very own genie.
*Because genies are stupid.
**Wishing for additional wishes is not accepted under the genie code and is in strict violation JinnCo’s Terms of Use Agreement.
***JinnCo defines “NONE” as 89.4%
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