Jeff Wysaski
It can happen to anyone. One minute, you’re sitting on a park bench enjoying a turkey club and reading the newspaper. The next minute, you glance up to see Medusa over by the pond, feeding the ducks with a loaf of stale Wonder Bread.
You try to look away, but POOF! It’s too late. Just like that your body turns to stone, forever freezing you in time. “Ah, nuts!” you think to yourself, “of all the days to be trapped in suspended animation!” But that Night Court marathon you’ll be missing on TV is the least of your worries. Because your 45-minute lunch break has now turned into an eternity – and you’ll NEVER EVEN GET TO FINISH YOUR SANDWICH!
Think it won’t happen to you? THINK AGAIN! Just because you don’t live in Medusa’s hometown – Sioux City, Iowa – doesn’t mean you’re not at risk. Why? BECAUSE SHE COULD GO ON VACATION, THAT’S WHY!!
Plus, there are countless lesser-known beings with the ability to turn you into stone. That cute girl working at the coffee shop? GORGON! That guy mowing the lawn over there? CHTHONIC DEITY OF THE UNDERWORLD! That nice man waving a magic wand at you? EVIL SORCERER!!
And once you’ve been turned into stone – THAT’S IT! There is no cure! You’re stuck in that ridiculous impromptu pose FOREVER! Left only with your thoughts to keep you company, you’ll soon PRAY FOR DEATH!! But death won’t come, because you’re not human anymore – you’re a statue. AND STATUES CAN’T DIE!
You’re only hope is that a pack of teen vandals or some clumsy passerby will push you over, smashing you to bits and allowing your tired soul to finally be freed from its eternal prison! But that won’t happen. The velvet rope the city put up around you will see to that!
So how do you stay safe? You carry protection! No matter where you go or who you see, for God’s sake, USE A MIRROR! Keep it in your purse, wallet or pocket. That way, whenever you meet someone new or feel the urge to look at someone on the street, you can whip your trusty old mirror out and hold it up to your face! Then, slowly count to three and have a look-see.
If it’s Medusa or one of her gorgon sisters, then success! She’s caught a glimpse of herself and that horrid creature is now nothing more than a harmless, hideous statue! And if it’s not a stone-inducing deity? Well, then no harm done!!
Of course, when used incorrectly, a mirror is almost as ineffective as no protection at all. That’s why many experts recommend abstaining from sight altogether. When you go outside, close your eyes, wear a blindfold or – even better – gouge your eyes out with blunt object (like a spoon).
Sure, those mirrors, blindfolds or empty eye sockets may dull the experience and enjoyment of sight a little bit, but it’s a heck of a lot better than the alternative! So keep those knees bending, those mouths talking and those toes wiggling. Nobody wants to end up stuck holding a sandwich on some lousy park bench for the rest of their lives. Do yourself a favor and USE PROTECTION!
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