Jeff Wysaski
Hey coworkers, it’s Friday! Are you excited? I know I am, because there are only a few more hours left before we escape this prison and actually get to enjoy freedom for a couple days with our beloved spouses and children.
What? Oh, right. Sorry, Bill. I’m sure you’ll find someone soon.
But as for the rest of you, I can tell you’re just sitting there daydreaming about your plans for the weekend! And you know what? I want to hear ALL ABOUT IT! Richie, you gonna take that boat out for a spin out on Lake Lewisville this weekend or what? Catch one for me big guy! And hey, no lying about how big it is either – we’re onto you!!
Jeanie, you gonna be cheering on your little slugger down at Jack Carter Park? Look, I know it’s gonna be hot out there, but take my advice and don’t bother bringing a fan – because your little pipsqueak is gonna be WHIFFING PITCHES ALL DAY LONG! Nah, just kidding Jeanie, you know I love ya.
Schultz, what about you? Gonna knock back a few and watch the Mavs? Let’s hope they win this time, otherwise old Schultz-y is gonna come staggering in here on Monday morning stinking of Mai Tais and crying about another divorce!
Speaking of everlasting love, how’s that cute little wife of yours, Andy? You gonna take her out to dinner and then bury your face in that sweet chest of hers? If I were you, I know that’s what I’d be doing!
Right guys!? Andy’s wife is HOT! Up top! Come on man, don’t leave me hanging! You know, that’s why you’re single, Bill. You gotta learn how to let loose.
Hey guys, I got an idea! What say we escape this maze of cubicles a little early and grab us some lunch? We could hit up that new Applebee’s location and talk ALL ABOUT OUR WEEKENDS! I hear that at this location, you don’t even have to ask the waitress to split the bill into 10 separate checks! Because they get SO MUCH corporate lunch traffic, they just do it AUTOMATICALLY! Which is great, because it means Leslie will actually have to pay her fair share of the ticket!
Oh come on Leslie, don’t give me that. You’re cheap, so what? At least you’re not fat like Bill!
Come on guys, what do you say? I’ll even buy the appetizer! They’ve got this Awesome Onion – oh my God, so good. Seriously, there’s a reason they named it the “Awesome Onion,” because there’s really only one word in the English language that accurately describes its orgasm-inducing taste. That’s right, ONIONY!
Whaaaaaat? No one wants to go? Fine, suit yourself, but I hear the cafeteria is serving Frito Pie today. And the only thing worse than the foul taste of that Frito Pie is the foul smell of Peter‘s farts afterwards! Ha! Newsflash everyone – that 1:30 trip to the men’s room is a squatter, not a stander!!
Alright, party poopers. Stay here and stare at your screens, see if I care. I’m outta here. Come on, Bill.
Bill! Get your coat. Let’s go. Oh, don’t give me that, You’re as starved for attention as I am for an Awesome Onion. Let’s go! Come on. Here, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.
AND HE’S UP! Alright Bill, that’s the spirit!! Come on, let’s leave these loser to their “work.” Smell ya later d-bags.
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