Jeff Wysaski
You guys! Come on, what are we doing here? We’ve been yelling at each other like a bunch of Christian Bales on a PCP bender for the past 20 minutes now!
Look, obviously our opinions are just too divisive on this hot-button issue. I could sit here and yell about the numerous reasons that Blaise Pascal is hands-down the greatest mathematician of all-time, but you guys are just way too gay for Charles Babbage to ever listen. And vice versa.
So we could sit here and yell at each other until we’re blue in the face – and from the looks of it Kevin is already there – but arguing isn’t gonna solve anything. Seriously, we’re not a bunch of cavemen. This is the 21st century, for Christ sakes. And in today’s modern world there’s a much easier way for civil, intelligent men like us to solve an argument – A KNIFE FIGHT!
Seriously guys, think about it. Why bother trying to get to the heart of the matter by screaming at the top of our lungs when one well-placed knife thrust can easily get the “point” across in a matter of milliseconds!?
And let’s face it, slicing at each other with a couple of 12-inch hunting knives is a heck of a lot more fun than sitting on a bunch of chaise lounges and trading verbal insults!
But, listen to me. Yakking on and on like some schmuck whose talking to a bunch of people who have never been in a knife fight before. Look, this is obviously familiar territory for all of us. We all know the sheer joy and exhilaration of puncturing an opponent’s lung cavity and watching him gasp for air as the life from his eyes slowly fades.
So what am I doing still talking? Let’s have a knife fight!
Okay, standard rules apply, which means we’re playing old school style – one-on-one single-elimination tournament. Two men enter the circle of chalk, only one man leaves. Whoever wins it all gets bragging rights. Whoever is still alive on the losing team has to clean up the blood and give the winners a 20-minute Shiatsu back massage (whether they’re dead or not).
Any knife is fair game, so long as the blade is 12 inches long or less. I’m guessing Jimmy’s sticking to his faithful 5-inch butterfly. And it looks like Reginald is packing his mixed martial arts throwing knives. Saul, what you got? A 6-inch Indo-Tibetan Kilaya!! Uh oh! Watch out fellas, I’ll bet dollars to donuts that bad boy has been blessed by a Buddhist monk!
Ooh. I’m shaking! I’m shaking! Ha – just kidding Saul. Geez, save the murderous looks for the ring, alright? We’re all friends here.
I tell ya, we all may love knives, but we all have a different favorite, that’s for sure! And I gotta say, that’s what makes for a SUPER FUN knife fight – DIVERSITY!
All right guys. Let’s do this. Everyone on my team, remember, we’re fighting for the honor of the great Blaise Pascal, none other than the FATHER OF PROBABILITY THEORY himself. So let’s not hold anything back, okay? One. Two. Three. KNIFE FIGHT!!!
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