Jeff Wysaski
Are you a female high school student looking to join the boys-only soccer team? Or maybe you’re interested in studying the Talmud at an Orthodox yeshiva, but your name is Barbra Streisand. Did your country or planet go to war and you’re miffed you can’t fight alongside all those muscle-bound men on account of that darned vagina between your legs?
Whatever the case may be, you’re a woman looking to dress like a man. Women dressed as men has long been a viable, effective and, let’s face it, hilarious way to cheat Mother Nature’s infallible and all-knowing wisdom.
And while the majority of cross-dressing women will inevitably be found out – almost certainly by the man for whom she has fallen for, but can’t pursue because he thinks she is a he (oh, the humanity!) – a few females do such a convincing job of looking like a real man that they live successfully as men forever.
Of course, I’m talking about legendary businessman and spokesperson, Orville Redenbacher. And if you want to be like him (her), and solve a short-term problem with a lifelong game of charades and raspy speech, then here are the steps you’ll need to take:
1. Choose a Male Archetype of Masculinity
Fact: only the most manly of men never get asked if they are a woman. You can’t just look like a wimpy computer nerd and expect not to get called out. Rather, you need to pick a male archetype and go full-force with it. Options available to you include Wall Street businessman, football player, auto mechanic, popcorn magnate and street magician.
While these are all good options, Pleated Jeans suggests dressing like a cowboy. As the old saying goes, “not all real men are cowboys, but all cowboys are real men.” Also, from a practical standpoint, the super manly look of the cowboy is great for hiding the female form – pointed boots make your feet look bigger, flannel patterns hide the unsightly bulge of female breasts and cowboy hats effectively cover that dykey haircut you’ll inevitably have to get.
BONUS: you’ll also get to wear the official state neckwear of Arizona and New Mexico – the Bolo tie!
2. Bulk Up
Real men have shredded abs and monster delts. Shoulder pads and full muscle suits may work as a good short-term solution, but eventually you’re going to be put in a situation where you and your bros are going to be topless (swimming, gym locker room, gay orgy, etc.). Prepare yourself by hitting the gym, drinking protein shakes and, of course, taking steroids.
3. Practice Brooding
Real men are constantly brooding. Clenched jaw, tight lips, piercing eyes – this is how a man looks when he is deep in thought (which is always). For good results, sit in an old, beat-up chair with a glass of scotch on the table next to you and just stare at a random spot on the wall for a while (note: don’t drink the scotch).
For better results, sit on a stool and stare at the floor while you hold your cowboy hat in your hands, letting it hang absent-mindedly between your legs.
For best results, let a lit cigarette dangle from your mouth as you sit on your horse and stare at the sunset.
4. Grow a Penis
Can you grow a penis? If so, go for it!
5. Get a Scar
Every real man has a killer scar. Of course, the face is the manliest of all places to have a scar, but the chest, back or arm might also work (provided the scar is gruesome enough). To achieve a good scar, be sure to use a knife with a serrated edge. Also, don’t wash the wound or seek medical treatment for at least three days. And no matter how much you are tempted, DO NOT USE NEOSPORIN ON YOUR OPEN WOUND!!
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