Instructions for My Bachelor Party

bachelorparty2Hire Candi from the Boom-Boom Room. If you can’t get Candi, then I’m not too picky. As long as the stripper is a thick Latin amputee with hairy arm(s), I’ll be happy.

I want this bachelor party to be the coolest bachelor party of all time. So, instead of cameras, let’s hire someone to draw caricatures. For one, how WILD would that be!? For two, they’ll look great in Leon’s scrapbook.

Oh, Leon, you’re in charge of the scrapbook. Bring stickers.

When it comes to food, I want a full spread. Half a dozen pizzas, plenty of hot wings, three bags of Funyons and an assorted vegetable tray with three kinds of dip (ranch, guacamole and something cheesy). Also, if you guys are gonna want to eat, feel free to bring something.

The stripper should surprise me by popping out of a giant cake. But not too fast, because I want to be fun surprised, not scared surprised. If it turns out to be the latter, Mookie, it’s your job to wipe me down when I pee my pants. Bring baby powder.

When we all sit down to watch the stripper, save a couple seats up front. For my grandparents. They have bad eyesight and I don’t want them missing out on the action. Also, if one of the seats could be on an aisle – my Gran has a small bladder.

Now, Candi’s pretty lax when it comes to her erotic dancing, but there will be a few rules – like no kissing. So Tommy, I’ll need you to pick up where she leaves off. Bring lip gloss.

Let’s wear matching blue shirts, because hey, why not? IT’S A PARTY!

We’re having the party at Cooper’s. He’s got everything we need: full bar for drinking, felt table for poker, and a Nintendo Wii for Candi’s kids.

Cooper, if I’m too drunk to go home, I’m crashing in your bed. We’ll sleep head to toe. Bring lotion.

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