Jeff Wysaski
Canada is a country shrouded in mystery. And despite considerable efforts to understand this real-world Erewhon, very little is known about both the country and its inhabitants. Why is this? Well, mostly because no one knows exactly where it is.
Modern maps will place the kingdom (or is it a fiefdom – we just don’t know) somewhere north of the United States. But is this placement accurate? No foreigner has ever successfully encountered Canada and lived to tell about it, after all. Still, those who say yes point to such clues as:
- A 1957 found photo that portrays Canada as a snowy, northern environment
- A Canadian radio broadcast intercepted during a 1926 North Pole naval flight
- A number of signs found along the United States border that are scrawled with the enigmatic phrase “Now Entering Canada.”
And while many are wont to believe this Northern Border theory, many suggest that Canada’s placement on the world map is nothing more than a misguided tradition first initiated by the careless charting practices of 19th-century geographers. Indeed, as more advanced scientific techniques emerge, the majority of experts have since dismissed the NB theory as “not likely.”
So just where is Canada located, then? There are two scientific camps on the subject, both of which succeed in positing a more rational, scientific-based solution than the NB theory. The first of which is that Canada is actually a large, floating island that hovers sequestered above the clouds thanks to vast pockets of underground helium gas.
This theory makes sense.
The second theory takes a different rational approach, suggesting that Canada does not exist at all. After all, intrepid explorers have been searching for this speculative Xanadu for the better part of two centuries. If they haven’t found it yet, skeptics argue, then there must not be anything to find.
But what of the photograph, the radio interception and the road signs? Floating Island proponents will argue that Canada may have been located north of America at one time, but Canadians long ago hoisted their massive sails and glided elsewhere. And non-believers will rationalize that these clues are merely fabricated by the Democratic Party to aid in their selfish grab for all-encompassing political power.
Will we ever know for sure where Canada is located? I, for one, certainly hope so. Until that day, however, we have only our imaginations to answer the many questions we undoubtedly have about this fabled land.
Are Canadians friendly? Do they like pie? When we ask for helium to build a parade of “tourist” balloons so that we may vacation at their home in the sky, will they oblige us? And will they suspect that these tourist balloons will not actually be filled with tourists, but American soldiers, sent to enslave the Canadian people and claim the floating island as our own? Perhaps we will never know.
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