Jeff Wysaski
Hills. They truly are Mother Nature’s roller coasters. They go up, then down, then…well I guess that’s about all they do. But still, if you take away the spins, turns, loop-de-loops – pretty much everything after the first drop of a roller coaster – and I guess you could still say that hills are Mother Nature’s roller coasters.
Okay, scratch that. Let’s start over.
Hills. They truly are Mother Nature’s plane crashes. They go up, then down (quickly). We’ve all rolled down a hill at one point or another. And whether rolling down the hill was intentional or not, we were squealing and laughing with delight like a little schoolgirl by the time we got to the bottom.
Now that summer is upon us, you’ve no doubt got your first day of hill rolling all planned out. But before you run willy-nilly up the first hill you see, it’s important to remember safety first. No one wants to get a sprained ankle or snapped neck while rolling down a hill (because then your days of rolling down hills will be over)! Here’s how to stay safe when rolling down hills:
Choose your hill wisely: not all hills are safe to roll down. Rolling down grassy hills with a medium grade is probably a recipe for success. Rolling down bumpy hills or dirt-covered hills may result in bruises or scuffed knees. Additionally, rolling down Jonah Hills may result in angry scowls and a barrage of obscenities.
Wear proper safety gear: Your friends may think it is “uncool” to wear safety gear, but trust me, it’s a lot “cooler” than spending the rest of your life in a hospital bed with a snapped neck. As such, a smart hill roller always wears three important items – a helmet, knee pads, and a magical wizard’s talisman of invincibility.
Try to avoid snakes and spider webs. Remember, your wizard’s talisman does not protect against poison. Avoiding all snakes and spiders during your descent is imperative. If there are too many snakes or spiders to avoid, try to aim for the ones that are sleeping or not paying attention to what is going on (they probably won’t have time to bite you).
Know the difference between a hill and a cliff. Understanding this vital fact can be the difference between having a fun day in the grass and a fun day at the morgue.
Wait your turn. If you’ve found a good hill, it will no doubt be crowded with other people wanting to roll down it. With all the excitement, it’s tempting to just push your way through the line and scream about how it’s “your turn” as you race to the top. But hurtling down the hill out of turn could have you colliding into a fellow roller on the way down.
Protect yourself from other rollers. Just because you had the restraint to wait your turn doesn’t mean everyone will. Therefore, to warn people who are simultaneously rolling down the same hill of your presence, you should scream loudly and constantly. Good things to yell include, “I’M OVER HERE!” “WATCH OUT BELOW!” and “WHEEEEE!”
Don’t run back up the hill. As soon as you’re done rolling, you’re gonna be pretty amped to get back up there and do it again. This will tempt you to jump up and just run back up the hill as fast as possible. But don’t forget, other people are rolling too. To avoid getting hit, walk around to the other side of the hill before heading back up. (Tip: if you happen to see someone running back up the hill while you are rolling,try to knock them over for extra “bonus” points.)
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