Jeff Wysaski
Dr. Wily Compound, Tulsa Oklahoma – After more than twenty years of failure, it’s fair to say that most super villains would have given up on their dreams for world domination. However, Dr. Wily – mere months after his latest failed attempt to defeat the illustrious hero, Mega Man – proves once again just how “wily” he can be.
Of course, this means that Dr. Wily once again has his sights set on his old archnemesis – Mega Man. In a press conference earlier today, Dr. Wily once again expressed his hatred for the plucky hero with this eloquent statement: “I hate him! I hate him! I HATE HIM!”
Such harsh criticism may come as a surprise to the general public, who mostly laud Mega Man as a modern-day superhero. However, Dr. Wily wants it known that behind the scenes, Mega Man may not be as virtuous as Dr. Light would have the public believe. When asked to elaborate, Dr. Wily had this to say: “The celebrity has totally gone to his head. He’s a total prick in real life. Plus, I hear he molests little boys – just saying.”
Clearly, this vile weed on society needs to be crushed once and for all. And with Dr. Wily’s latest crop of Mega Man villains, he is confident that the 13th time is the charm.
“Cutman, Dust Man, Gemini Man, Centaur Man – forget them all! Because these new evil robots will blow them ALL out of the water (except for maybe Bubble Man, who is a pretty good swimmer).
With more than 50 previous Mega Man bosses behind him, you’d think Dr. Wily would be fresh out of ideas. Weather patterns, heat, cold, bombs, electricity, properties of physics, levels of density – they’ve all been covered. Rest assured, however, that Dr. Wily dug deep to come up with a fresh lineup of quirky and incredibly specialized humanoid robots. The new lineup includes:
Tickle Man: turns every fight into a tickle fight; if fingers prove ineffective, then out comes the feather, baby!
Lukewarm Man: where Heatman and Iceman have failed, Lukewarm Man will succeed. Bow before his ability to turn any solid, liquid or gas into a tepid 70 degrees Fahrenheit. With the inability to enjoy a hot plate of soup, Mega Man will surely starve to death!!
Randy Newman Man: unleashes a barrage of annoying, satirical songs. When low on life points, summons his helper-bot – Weird Al Man.
Socially Awkward Man: Fills the room with awkward silences and embarrassing topics of conversation (e.g. erectile dysfunction). If Mega Man doesn’t die of too much awkwardness, he will at the very least be forced TO LEAVE THE ROOM – MWA-Ha-Ha!!
Plaque Man: Mega Man, prepare to succumb to the unhealthy effects of…GINGIVITIS!
Boy Man: lowers Mega Man’s defenses with superior boyish cuteness. Then, captures Mega Man’s sinful advances on his internal digital camera and immediately emails them to the nearest police department.
Dr. Wily’s latest creations are set to debut within the coming weeks. Now pushing 90 years old, one can only guess that this might be Dr. Wily’s last-ditch effort. However, in response to retirement, the stubborn super villain had this to say, “Look, I’m not going to hang up my coat and retire to some suburb to the capital of Indiana like Carmen Sandiego. And I’m certainly not going to open a dry cleaning service in Queens like Dr. Robotnik. As far as I’m concerned, I’ll be creating increasingly ridiculous-themed robots until my soul is wiped from the face of the earth.”
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