Jeff Wysaski
First-degree murder. Someday it will be legal (God willing), but for now, us “outlaws” have to keep things on the down low. Let me guess, right now you’ve got an ex-loved one dead on the ground behind you (it’s your wife, isn’t it?) and you’re struggling to keep all that blood on your hands from getting all over the computer keyboard.
I bet you thought the hard part was over. Well think again, buddy, because no matter what your motive for revenge (wifey was gonna call the cops, wasn’t she?), now you’ve got a big, heavy body to dispose of. And guess what? That cumbersome pile of flesh and bones is gonna start smelling pretty foul any minute now.
You’ve got to get rid of that body fast. And if you want to get away with your “crime” so you can enjoy your newfound freedom, then you’ve also got to be careful. After all, this isn’t your cocker spaniel’s dog poop we’re talking about here – you can’t just throw it onto the neighbors’ lawn and expect the problem to disappear on its own. You need a plan. To help out, here are some of the best ways to dispose of a dead body:
Dump the body in the woods: Our nation’s wooded areas are riddled with dead bodies. And why not? Dense forests provide plenty of cover during the actual burial. Plus, the body is unlikely to be found, because very few people go digging random holes in the middle of the forest (unless they’re burying a body, in which case, you probably won’t have to worry about them alerting the authorities).
Bury the body at your house: If you’re worried of being caught red-handed out there in the real world, use your own property to bury the body. That backyard rose garden is a perfect place to hide a body (bonus: human bodies make great fertilizer – those roses are gonna look great when spring comes around next year). If you’ve got nosy neighbors, then bury the body in the basement or encase it behind a bedroom wall. If you choose the latter, be sure to stock up on Febreze – that decomposing body is gonna get pretty rank.
Roll the body up in a carpet and throw it off a bridge: Got blood all over your tiger-skin rug? Kill two birds with one stone and throw the evidence and the deceased off a nearby bridge at the same time. Tip: choose a bridge that’s over a body of water. That freeway overpass may look convenient, but when that rug starts blocking up traffic below, someone will eventually look inside of it.
Chop the body into little pieces: Bodies are harder to identify when only partial remains are found. Make the cops work for that positive identification by dumping various parts of the body throughout the nearby city and countryside. Good places to drop body parts include dumpsters, lakes and the rental return box at Blockbuster.
Use acid to dispose of the body: If you’ve got a few barrels of sulfuric acid lying around (and who doesn’t these days?), you can get rid of the remains altogether by dissolving it. Be sure to place the body in a container that the acid can’t eat through. After neutralizing the acid, ideas for getting rid of the sludgy remains of the body include flushing it down the toilet, pouring it down a storm drain, or baking it into banana bread and feeding it to your enemies.
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