Jeff Wysaski
Greetings interested homebuyer! Us here at Keller Williams have received an inordinate amount of questions regarding our 3-story property on Sycamore Drive. This is to be expected, given the DEEP discounts we are now offering on this gorgeous Eastern European-style mansion.
Prospective buyers such as yourself have asked many questions regarding the property. In an effort to assist you in the home-buying process, answers to the most frequently asked questions can be found below:
Is The Haunted Manor Actually Haunted?
The Haunted Manor is named as such because it was built and originally inhabited by the late Walter P. Haunted. The title of the house was never intended to imply any sort of spiritual haunting. But to answer your question, yes, the mansion is, coincidentally, haunted.
What Type of Haunting Are We Talking About Here?
Oh, it’s nothing really. You might experience the occasional slamming door, unexpected drop in temperature or bleeding wall. Also, you may see a headless spook chasing you with a chainsaw from time to time, but don’t worry – his chainsaw is broken and does not work.
Does the House Come With the Portrait of the Man With the Eyes That Follow Me Around the Room?
Yes! After two of our best maintenance workers died trying to remove it, the painting is now being offered to the new homeowner, compliments of Keller Williams. Isn’t it just lovely!?
How Many Bathrooms Does the Property Have?
2 full, 1 half.
Does the Manor Have Any Secret Passageways?
Well, discussing it kind of negates the idea “secrecy,” but yes, there are several. Apparently, Mr. Haunted installed these hidden passages so he could move unnoticed throughout the manor, killing the many houseguests that frequented the home. Of course, the passages are useful for things other than killing, such as playing practical jokes, hiding from the in-laws and, of course, killing.
Tell Me More About The Spinning Portal to Hell.
It is located in the far back guest bedroom (as such, you will likely only encounter it on a rare occasion). If one were to be unlucky enough to be sucked inside, you would instantly be transported to Satan’s empire of fire and brimstone. This is unlikely to happen, however, given that Keller Williams has installed a velvet rope around the ENTIRE circumference of the portal. (note: The portal also serves as an entrance FROM hell. If you see a demon wandering your home, then this is likely where it came from.)
Do You Currently Have Any Offers to Buy The Home?
Oh yes, lots. There are so many offers. It’s really unbelievable how many offers we have right now. Dozens, maybe even hundreds by now. But really, we like you a lot and would be willing to overlook these previous offers for the right price. So please, please (pretty please) make an offer. Trust me, I’d really like to see you in this home. Once you move in, I just know you’ll end up living here for the rest of your life (no matter how long or short that may be).
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