Jeff Wysaski
Everyone likes feeling important. Unfortunately, for far too many of us, a life of elevated status and power are just not in the cards. Whether you’re dumb, unlucky, lazy or just plain annoying, the fact is that you are way too inadequate to ever experience what it’s like to be an actual big shot.
Luckily, there are plenty of quick fixes that even the scummiest of human beings can employ in order to boost their self-esteem and experience momentary delusions of grandeur. If you’ve been searching for ways to feel like a big shot (without actually accomplishing anything), then here are some surefire ways to achieve it:
Carry a Gun
If you can’t earn the respect of your peers, then simply demand it from them with a gun. Have you found yourself blending into the walls at office parties or at the school dance? Well, just try to be ignored when you walk into the break room, gymnasium or local bank brandishing a gun. With that gun in your hands, you’re telling the world, “I am powerful. Pay attention to me!” If you like, you can literally yell this phrase out repeatedly to drive home the point, but trust me, the gun says it all. With all those eyes on you, there’s no doubt you’ll feel like a big shot (bonus: your penis will also feel bigger).
Prey on the Weak and the Old
Picking on easy targets is one of the simplest ways to feel like a big shot. Why? Because no matter how weak you are, there’s always someone more frail or pathetic than you. Bully a nerd or push around an old lady, and you’ll be surprised how quickly your ego soars. Bonus: use your newfound power to steal that old lady’s purse, and you’ve also found a solid source of supplementary income!
Listen to Hip-Hop Music
For some reason, listening to other, more powerful men brag about their many accomplishments makes even the meekest of people feel like a big shot. Spending all that cash, sipping on all that Cristal, sleeping with all those girls with the “apple-bottom jeans” – it’s just all so inspirational. Throw in a club beat and an autotuner, and all the sheer, unbridled power of that hip-hop beat SHOOTS out of the speakers and goes directly to your head.
Achieve a False Level of Elevated Status
The real big shots land jobs as executives or high-powered government officials. However, you hardly need a REAL position of power to feel like a big shot. Got an entry-level job at the local grocery store or Blockbuster video? Good. Stay there. Stick it out for 5 to 20 years, and eventually you’ll be promoted. Shift manager, team leader, head cashier, it doesn’t matter. That elevated status means one thing: you have underlings. And with underlings comes the ability to boss said underlings around at your will. Out there in the real world you may be a nobody, but in the confines of that faceless retail outlet, you are king. And guess what, Henry VIII? No one’s more of a big shot than the RULER OF AN ENTIRE KINGDOM!
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