Jeff Wysaski
At first glance, having chainsaws for arms might seem like nothing but awesome. I mean, having two giant chainsaws surgically implanted in place of your boring old God-given appendages? How cool is that?
But as one of the few who has undergone this new form of elective surgery, I can now say that there are numerous downsides that I failed to consider prior to undergoing the procedure.
Of course, there are plenty of benefits. Just as women feel more confident walking around with breast implants, so too do I feel more empowered with two, rusty STIHL chainsaws welded to my shoulders – and I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything in the world. Other benefits of having chainsaws for arms include:
- No one picks on me anymore
- Can cut down a tree in no time
- No such thing as a “locked” door
- Look great in a tank top
- Can always find my way out of a garden maze
- No more inconvenient fingernail clipping
- Never having to buy a Halloween costume again (saves $$$)
Still, as this fad continues to skyrocket in popularity, I would consider it a grave injustice to others if I were not to point out the few downsides that I have experienced while having chainsaws for arms. For example, on a rare occasion, I find it would be slightly more practical to just have a normal, boring-old pair of arms. Like right now for instance – sure those old fingers of mine may have been super lame and uncool, but they sure were good for typing on a computer. Also, I have trouble eating soup.
After I sliced through my first dozen keyboards, I resigned myself to typing via a pencil in the mouth. Needless to say, my average WPM has declined considerably.
You’d think I would have thought about such a downside, given the fact that I used to earn a living as a courtroom stenographer. But alas, I was blinded by the sheer awesomeness of having chainsaws for hands. Don’t cry for me though, because I’ve found a great job as a fish decapitator down at the local cannery – so yeah, I pretty much landed on my feet.
Another downside that you probably haven’t thought of, is all the gas fumes. When you’ve got two chainsaw arms buzzing on either side of your head at all hours of the day, you’re going to inhale a lot noxious fumes. And sometimes, sure, you will pass out (it’s inevitable).
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, I’m a big guy. I can handle a few moments of unconsciousness here and there.” That’s what I thought too, but remember, you’re going to have chainsaws for arms. And when you pass out around a couple of chainsaws, you’re going to lose the occasional nose or foot (it’s inevitable).
And sure, you could just replace that foot or nose with another chainsaw, but where’s all that money for the operation going to come from? The cannery doesn’t pay THAT well.
Maybe you are thinking that you could just turn the chainsaws off when you start feeling woozy. First of all: no arms. So good luck with that. Second of all, WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING CHAINSAWS FOR ARMS IF THE CHAINSAWS AREN’T EVEN TURNED ON!!
Also, sure, I’m getting tons of attention from the ladies now that I have chainsaws for arms. But even when the date goes remarkably well, as soon as you go in to give her a hug goodnight…BAM she’s sliced in two and you’re back behind the computer trolling through eHarmony with a pencil in your mouth.
And it’s not just typing or dating that is hard to do with chainsaws. I also have difficulty driving, shopping, bathing, controlling my iPod, entering a bank, getting a palm reading, and doing pretty much anything else that you can think of (that doesn’t involve cutting or slicing).
So yeah, all things said and done, I’m still happy to have chainsaws for hands. I’m just saying, think about ALL the pros and cons before you commit to this truly life-changing (and awesome) procedure.
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: