Jeff Wysaski
It happens when you least expect it. You go to grab your coat from the closet or your shoes from under the bed, and BAM! You’re staring straight into the yellow eyes of a big, hairy monster!
“Oh, goodie.” you might be thinking. “Now I have to keep the lights on when I go to sleep at night so that lousy horned beast with the giant fangs doesn’t sneak out of hiding and try to devour my soul.” Throw in the yippy shih-tzu next door that barks at all hours of the night, and you can pretty much kiss your 8 hours of beauty sleep goodbye.
Bottom line – that unwanted pest has got to go, and fast! Here’s how to take out that monster so you can get back to living a normal, pest-free lifestyle:
Protect Your Soul
First thing’s first: you’ve got to make sure that darned monster can’t get at your soul before you have time to deal with it. Start by switching all those lights on (monsters prefer cool, dark places). Then, go to the kitchen and use your pots and pans to fashion a makeshift suit of armor (tip: colanders make great helmets). This will protect you from the monster’s giant fangs and claws in the event of an attack.
Also, remember that monsters feed off your fear. So if you look up to find a monster lunging toward you or gnawing on your head, try to remain calm so your soul doesn’t escape through your sweat glands. To limit residual fear, you might also want to abstain from watching scary movies at home for awhile (Saw IV, The Orphan, Legally Blonde, etc.) or jumping out from behind corners to surprise loved ones (for laughs).
Set Your Trap
The key to catching a monster is to lure it out of its dark hiding place and into a well-planned trap. To do so, start by hanging a large net or steel-reinforced cage in the center of your living room. Do this during the day so that the monster doesn’t see it in advance and get wise to your trap.
Plant Your Bait
Once night falls, you want that scary monster to emerge from its hiding place and run willy-nilly into that carefully laid trap. To accomplish this, you need to bait the trap with the smell of fear. If possible, you might consider using an extra child that may happen to be lying around. Alternatively, you can also use an unsuspecting mailman or neighborhood Shih Tzu.
Regardless, make sure to get your bait nice and scared so the monster can smell them. To do this, try telling ghost stories – the one where the murderer keeps calling the babysitter from inside the house is a good one (tip: hold a flashlight under your face to make it extra spooky). If you’re using the Shih Tzu, pull out the vacuum cleaner instead and turn it on.
Spring the Trap
With your bait good and scared, lie in wait and get ready to spring your trap. As soon as the monster pounces, drop that net or cage and trap it inside. Then, sit back and watch as the dumb beast thrashes and flails about in a vain attempt to escape. Have popcorn on hand for extra enjoyment. Also, be sure to thank your bait before the monster finishes ripping it a new one.
Wait ‘Til Morning
Once morning comes, pull all the drapes open and let that pure, natural sunlight wash over that pesky monster. The beast will writhe in pain and slowly melt away in front of your very eyes (tip: put down a tarp or plastic bags ahead of time to allow for easy cleanup and keep monster sludge from seeping into the carpet).
Congratulations! You’ve removed your monster infestation and can finally return to a normal, happy life.
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