Jeff Wysaski
Dearest Tina, as an adventuring man who has a great affinity for the outdoors, I have traveled the world and encountered some of the most magnificent creatures known to man.
It has taken me years to succeed in these travels and encounter all that Mother Nature has to offer. As such, you can imagine my surprise when, upon a chance excursion to the local Home Depot not five minutes from my house, I happened upon the most magnificent creature I have ever encountered.
You, Tina. Of course, I am speaking of you. And in the scant few months I have known you, I have come to discover that you are more graceful than a brown-spotted deer, more playful and full of life than a North American squirrel, and more beautiful and picturesque than a 10-point Canadian Elk.
Which is why I would like to stuff your head and mount it on my wall.
As I have told you before, I have nothing but respect and reverence for all of God’s creatures. And that is why I travel the world, hunting down said creatures, and subsequently mounting their severed heads upon the walls of my 1960s bungalow-style hacienda.
Of course, I do this out of love. Mounting my quarry’s head upon my wall is the most sincere form of respect I can fathom. And this is why I would like to extend such a gracious and esteemed gesture upon my one true love. Because Tina, you are truly the greatest quarry I have ever encountered.
And your head would be the greatest trophy a man such as myself could ever display.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Does this mean I have to die?” Well, yes Tina, of course it does. Granted, I briefly mulled the idea of keeping you alive, allowing you to merely stick your conscious head through a hole in the wall. But, I highly doubt you would be able to hold your head completely still for all hours of the day (the one requirement I request of all my trophies).
Plus, I would constantly have to be feeding you with a spoon or helping you blow your nose due to the fact that your arms would be on the other side of the wall. And, come on Tina, I just don’t have time for that (I have other animals to kill).
How will you die, you ask? Why, I will hunt you for sport, of course. I will release you into your native habitat (rural Arkansas), track you down, and then take you down in the most humane way possible – by chasing you into an open body of water and electrocuting you with an industrial-strength cattle prod.
Trust me, you won’t feel a thing (except that tingly feeling, which is love).
Once dead, I will stuff your beautiful head with the finest sawdust and mount you prominently on my wall. And not just any wall, mind you. Your exquisiteness just wouldn’t make sense sandwiched between the crocodile and cougar in the bathroom, or the hippo and hamster in the kitchen.
No, because I realize that you are something much more than a simple animal. You are a human. Which is why I will place you in the Primate Room along with your monkey ancestors.
Now, I realize the Primate Room also doubles as my garage, meaning your mounted head will not receive a lot of foot traffic. But your love was not for the world to see. It was mine and mine alone. And trust me, I’m going to see that sweet smile of yours every time I pull my ’87 Taurus into the garage. Truly, it is the most personal and romantic spot in my entire home.
So, my dear Tina, enjoy this 2-for-$20 meal deal from Chili’s while you can. For tomorrow, we will be leaving for Arkansas. And beyond tomorrow, I will shower you with admiration (and Lemon Pledge) for all eternity.
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