Jeff Wysaski
Has anyone ever told you that your giant head makes you look like a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Are you tired of looking clumsy every time you hit that big cranium of yours on the top of a doorframe? Do you cringe every time your friends ask you to go hat shopping?
Studies show that 14 percent of all people are self-conscious about the size of their heads. For these poor, freakish people, every day is a battle against ridicule, embarrassment and the inability to wear a helmet while rollerblading.
UNTIL NOW! That’s right, finally there is a safe and effective way to reduce your head size and regain your confidence.
SHRUNKEN HEADS! That’s right, at the Terry Birch Center for Cosmetic Surgery, we now offer our customers the life-changing opportunity to SHRINK THEIR HEADS!
No longer is this procedure reserved for the indigenous Indian tribes of the Amazon Rainforest!
Be aware that our head shrinking process is NOT cosmetic surgery. Absolutely no blades or incisions are made to reduce the size of your head. Rather, our cranial resizing expert (Dr. Waka Laka –senior witch doctor of the Jivaroan Indian Tribe) uses a pain-free method built upon 20 years of experience in the art of Black Magik!
Can you imagine just waltzing into a store and finding a hat that fits you perfectly? Or not having to worry about stretching out the necks of your t-shirts and turtlenecks every time you pull them over your large, bulbous, ungodly sized head?
Freedom awaits you at the Terry Birch Center for Cosmetic Surgery in Agoura Hills, California. This procedure is PERFECT for anyone unsatisfied with the size of their head. Past clients include:
- Ted Kennedy
- Oprah Winfrey
- Andre the Giant
- Charlie Brown
- Evil geniuses with giant, enlarged brains
- People looking to reduce their monthly shampoo expenses
- Hipsters looking for the ultimate ironic statement
Our shrunken head procedure is an out-patient procedure that only takes about an hour to perform. The procedure begins by covering your head in a thick, wet paste of magical herbs, tree moss and the crushed ashes of Dr. Waka Laka’s fallen enemies. You will then be asked to hop around on the ground like a tree frog while Dr. Waka Laka recites the ceremonial incantation. Once the Frog God, Umbongo, has been appeased, the paste will begin to glow and your head will slowly shrink by SEVERAL inches!
Within minutes, you’ll be out there in the world doing things you never thought a “big head” like yourself could ever enjoy. Ride a motorcycle! Bob your head to music! Even play tennis!
What are you waiting for? Slim down! Instantly drop inches from the circumference of your head! Shrink your problems down to size and say goodbye to that freak head of yours for good! Contact the Terry Birch Center of Cosmetic Surgery for your FREE CONSULTATION!
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