Jeff Wysaski
Okay, so we stole the elephant, now what? We can’t just leave it here in my garage for all eternity. My big shot lawyer of a dad is going to be home in an hour! And he is going to be super pissed if he doesn’t have a place to park his Mercedes!!
I could put the elephant in one of our extra bedrooms. My dad hardly ever goes to the east wing. No, that won’t work. We need that space to do spoiled rich kid things, like play roller hockey inside and do recreational drugs.
Maybe we could put the elephant in the backyard and throw a huge white sheet over it. It’ll look like a really big ghost. And sure, my dad might catch on if he ever looks under the sheet, but that’ll never happen. And you know why? Because my dad HATES ghosts! They scare him to death! He’ll never be the wiser!
No wait, that won’t work either. I need those sheets for my bed. They’re 100% Egyptian cotton – super soft. Plus, if my dad walks into my room and sees a bed without any sheets on it, he’s probably going to say something like, “Yo son! Where your sheets at, boyyyy?” (he’s representing Chris Brown right now). And sure I can tell him, “Yo pops! Them linens stank like sheet! I’m scrubbing ’em clean in the washing machine.”
But that’ll only buy us, like, a couple hours tops. Because, eventually, my old man’s gonna expect to see those sheets back on my bed.
Guys, we really should have thought this whole elephant thing through, don’t you think? I mean, it’s not everyday a bunch of teens go to the zoo and just steal an elephant on a whim.
I have to admit, the only reason I even agreed to go through with it was because I never thought we’d get away with it. But then we hopped into the elephant pen and none of the other zoo visitors saw us. And, luckily, the elephant trainer had eaten too much pudding and fallen asleep under that big tree. Also, the gate to the pen was miraculously unlocked. And the elephant just happened to be on those giant roller skates, so we just wheeled him right on out of there.
You gotta admit guys, that’s an almost unbelievable amount of good luck! And sure, I’m glad we did it. I mean, WHO ELSE HAS AN ELEPHANT!? Seriously, the girls are going to be super impressed and we’re going to have so many dates, but only if we find a place to put it!
Maybe we could just put him in the living room and give it a vacuum cleaner to push around. My dad will just think we have a new maid.
But then I’ll have to tell him that we have a new maid because our old maid, Lupe, was eaten by a bear or something. And then he’ll feel so bad for her, that he’ll start a charity foundation for victims of bear attacks and name it in her honor. He’ll pour tons of money into that foundation. And guys, I NEED THAT MONEY SO I WON’T HAVE TO WORK WHEN I GET OLDER!!
Okay, that’s it. I give up. Someone’s going to have to eat this elephant.
Yes, that’s right, EAT THE ELEPHANT! We can’t take it back to the zoo, someone will see us for sure. And we can’t just let it go – the cops will follow the elephant’s trail of destruction right back to my house.
So this elephant is going to have to be eaten, bones and all. It’s the only way to get rid of all this evidence. So guys, go grab some forks and maybe a package of hamburger buns. Oh, and get plenty of BBQ sauce too. Because Lupe loves BBQ sauce.
Hey, Lupe! Get your butt out here unless you want to get fired and deported! I’ve got a job for you!
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