Jeff Wysaski
Unfortunately, we can’t all have celebrity parents. Which means instead of being named something cool and art nouveau like Apple, Kal-El or Blanket, most of us are stuck with super lame names like Steve, Kate and Dave.
If you find that people often yawn or flat-out fall asleep when they say your name, then it’s time to change that snooze-fest of a title to something cooler. And that means you need a cool nickname (like Bulldozer, Wolfman or Blanket).
Now, if we could all just give ourselves our own nicknames, things would be a lot easier. But we all know that’s not how nicknames work. So if you want to get a cool nickname bestowed upon you by your fellow peers, then here are the four easiest ways to do it:
Look Funny
Funny-looking people are so lucky, because they never have to worry about being called by their normal, God-given name. If you’re short, then you’re Shorty. If you’re fat, then you’re Tubby. And if you’re really big, then you’re Tiny (bonus: ironic names earn extra “cool” points).
If you’re staring in the mirror cursing your perfectly normal good looks, have no fear. You don’t have to rely on DNA alone to look like a circus freak. Visit a plastic surgeon for names like ‘Jugs’ or ‘Cute Nose.’ But if you want a really cool nickname, then you’re going to have to take matters into your own hands.
Give yourself a nice, big scar, and pretty soon people will start calling you ‘Zipper Neck’ (cool) or, even better, ‘Scar-borough Faire’ (super cool, especially when said in a pirate accent). Alternatively, you could go for the gold and pop out one of your eyes. Soon, everyone will be calling you ‘Cyclops,’ and experts agree, being nicknamed after a Greek mythological creature is “like, the coolest kind of nickname ever.”
Do Something Memorable
People who do something extraordinary always get tagged with a cool nickname. For example, “Encyclopedia” Brown used his wits to solve mysteries. Run really fast and you’ll be known as “The Flash.” Or, declare war on the world and kill a generation of innocent Jews, and earn the title of “Crazy German.”
Drink Heavily
People’s natural talents always emerge when they are heavily inebriated. If you are drunk often enough, then your blackout antics will inevitably result in a super cool nickname. Depending on your drunk actions, potential options include The Animal, Twelve Pack, Frank the Tank, Bad Dancer and Slut.
Carry a Broad Axe With You Wherever You Go
Let’s face it, you walk around carrying a broad axe with you wherever you go, people are gonna to talk. That kind of distinguishable fashion accessory is just bound to get people talking. Broad Axe, Lumberjack, Paul Bunyon, Disturbing the Peace – these are the cool names that people get when they carry around cool, antiquated weapons.
The above are the four most common ways to earn a nickname, but there are plenty of other alternatives. If you want to improve your odds of earning a cool nickname, here are some extra credit assignments you might consider:
- Be left-handed (Lefty, Southpaw, Sinister Jeff)
- Wear glasses (Four Eyes, Egghead, Einstein)
- Have red hair (Ginger, Red, Devil Spawn)
- Meet George W. Bush (Landslide, Pootie Poot, Brownie)
- Bite people (Bitey, Biter, Crazy Bitey the Biter)
- Confront a bully (Puke Stain, Goober Butt, Ass Wipe)
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