Jeff Wysaski
Kids, I am telling you this funeral casket is top of the line! I mean, just look at this beauty: we’re talking handcrafted inlays, luxurious interior satin paddling inserts (purple) and genuine brass handles throughout. Think that gorgeous cherry-red mahagony is a laminate? THINK AGAIN!! This funeral casket is 100-percent REAL WOOD!! No thin placard of the fake stuff over corrugated board for this guy.
That’s right, daddy is going to spend his afterlife the same way he lived his actual life – 100-percent classy all the way!
But that’s not all!! I’m sure by now you’ve seen the feature that makes this bad boy pretty much the RADDEST funeral casket of all time. That’s right, the brilliantly crafted, full-length imagery of one of the most symbolic and beautiful religious images of all the time: THE LAST SUPPER!!!
I know, so dope right? That full-color scene was custom air-brushed onto the side panels by none other than Reggie Fletcher himself! That’s right, the SAME guy that airbrushes the t-shirts down at Six Flags Great Adventure!! I’m telling you, that guy has credentials out the wazoo! And now his artwork is on MY coffin!! I. Am so. Lucky.
I tell you, as soon as I saw this ridiculously awesome coffin, I just had to have it! I was just walking by the casket store on my way to Walgreens, and there she was – calling to me from the display window!
What’s it doing in the middle of our living room floor? Why it’s on display, that’s what! You don’t purchase a funeral coffin as gorgeous as this, and then squirrel it away in some storage unit to gather cobwebs. No sir. You leave it out for EVERYONE to admire!
Plus, it doubles as a coffee table for all your drinks!
Just promise me one thing, though, okay family? Use a coaster!! I don’t want any unsightly water rings messing up my supremely DIVINE chariot to the afterworld!
Oh, and Timmy, FYI, I had to sell your Wii. There’s just no room to swing a ‘tennis racket’ with daddy’s casket in the way. Sorry.
You wish I was dead now? WELL SO DO I!! I don’t know if you noticed, but I bought the EXTRA LARGE luxury model. I know, I’m not a big guy or anything, but that upgrade bought my corpse an extra 2-feet of room. So yeah, needless to say, I’m going to be decaying in supreme comfort once this mortal coil ascends to heaven.
Seriously, as soon as I laid eyes on this funeral coffin, I never wanted to be more dead in my life! Just the thought of laying under that double-raised lid for all eternity makes me wish I was one of kooky cult members who drank that poison and passed on to the planet Vlorkon last week!!
What does double-raised mean? I HAVE NO IDEA!! But you better believe it’s a heck of a lot more amazing (and expensive) then a boring old single-raised lid!
So yeah guys, get used to having this beauty on display. I’m only 30 years old, so chances are this Last Supper coffin will be sitting here for quite some time. And don’t worry, when I die, you’ll still be able to treat your eyes to this magnificent piece of artwork. Because, SURPRISE! I’m going to be buried ABOVE GROUND!! Right in the backyard! The mausoleum with open glass case will be put in NEXT WEEK (bye-bye trampoline).
Oh, daddy is so happy!! Now quick, go get the wood polish from under the sink! This puppy is going to need to be polished daily, so you best learn how to do it right (circular motions)!
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