Jeff Wysaski
First off, Azlamal, let me say that I have been generally pleased with your performance as our front-desk secretary. Your filing skills are impeccable, you never let me forget a meeting, and you make my coffee exactly the way I like it.
However, even the best employees have room for improvement. And I’ve noticed several things over the past six months that you might want to work on.
For example, the incessant cackling. It’s loud. It’s abrasive. And it’s way too frequent (every 15 minutes or so). Frankly, it’s disrupting the work productivity of the other employees. Also, I have to admit it scares me a little. So, yeah, if you could tone it down a little, that would be great.
Next topic of discussion: hygiene. I know appearance has nothing to do with your ability to perform your job, but you work at the front desk. You’re the first person our clients see when they visit our office. As such, I’m going to have to ask you to stop sharpening your teeth into fine, jagged points. We’re a conservative corporation and that sort of “liberal” fashion choice just doesn’t jibe well with our core corporate values.
Also, the cobwebs in the hair. How you choose to dress on your own time is up to you, but here at Cooper, Goldstein and Blatt, we have hair that’s clean and teeth that are of the normal, rectangular variety.
Another item that I have received complaints about, is the large volume of forwarded emails. I know you are just trying to spread a little happiness throughout the day, but not everyone shares the same enthusiasm for cute cat photos as you do. As such, please limit your non-work-related correspondence to only the cutest of the cute cat photos that you come across.
Please don’t ride your broom in the office. The strong gusts of wind are knocking Doris‘ Love Is… figurines off her desk and scattering everyone else’s papers willy-nilly.
Also, I know we’ve discussed this before, but you really need to work on your conflict resolution. Look, I know Randy ate the eyeball stew that you left in the fridge, and I will talk to him about that. But I can’t have you turning my employees into lizards or snakes every time you have a minor disagreement. That’s not the way we do things here at Cooper, Goldstein and Blatt.
Alright, so like I said, all in all I’m very pleased with your work performance. Which is why, despite all these things, I’m going to rate your job performance for this period as a 9 out of 10. If you were still in sorcery school, that would be like getting an A-.
So can you please, please, pretty please turn me back into a human being? Do you know how hard it is to drive a car when you’re a snake? I have no feet for Christ’s sake!!
Fine, 10 out of 10 it is. Which means you’ve qualified for a small incremental raise of 2.5 percent. Congratulations, and keep up the good work!
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