How To Eat An Entire Birthday Cake

If you’re interested in knowing how to eat an entire birthday cake, then chances are that you’re trying to accomplish one of two things:

1. Keep other people from eating YOUR birthday cake

2. Impress a girl

Regardless of motivation, eating an entire birthday cake is a feat of Zeus-like proportions. So much so, that surely the rest of the partygoers will immediately shower you with love, affection and a barrage of high fives upon consuming every last morsel of that sweet, sweet cake.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my many, many (many) attempts to eat an entire birthday cake, it is this: if you tell people you’re going to eat an entire birthday cake, you gosh darn better deliver. Because nothing’s worse then seeing someone pass out in a sugar-induced coma with 10 percent of that cake still sitting on the table (talk about a buzzkill).

To ensure maximum glory and a story that people will be talking about for at least a couple of days, here are some tips to help you pack away that entire birthday cake:

Do Your Homework

If possible, ask the party planner for details about the cake before the big day arrives. This will allow you to train with “sample” cakes on your own time in the weeks leading up to show time. To mimic the exact variables that will be present at the party, ask questions such as:

What is the cake/icing combo?
How big is the cake?
How much icing? (Single layer? Double layer?)
Will the cake be refrigerated (and therefore cold)?
Will the cake be decorated with dinosaurs? (may be important if you are afraid of dinosaurs)

Skip the Ice Cream

If the party planner knows anything about throwing a good party, then ice cream will be offered alongside the birthday cake. While tempting, that ice cream is nothing but filler when it comes to those pursuing the sheer glory that comes with eating an entire birthday cake. Sure, you might think that the ice cream will make the cake more enjoyable, and therefore easier to eat. But this is a foolhardy theory that has taken down many a cake eater. Simply put, the less ice cream you eat, the more room for cake!

Don’t Cut The Cake

If you can swing it, request that the party planner NOT cut the cake into individual pieces. Why? It’s a simple mind trick. Think about it: would you rather eat “24 PIECES OF CAKE,” or just “ONE CAKE?” It may ultimately be the same amount of food, but one cake sure sounds like a lot less than 24, doesn’t it?

Use Your Hands

When people eat a lot of food, they use their hands. This is because forks slow you down, and those wasted seconds just give your body more time to realize that it’s full. Also, eating with your hands is just a more magical and memorable way to eat a cake (remember, showmanship counts).

Spiral Into a Sea of Internal Anguish and Self-Loathing

It’s a simple fact: when you hate yourself, you eat more. This is because depressed people seek comfort in foods that taste good (foods like cake). Scientists call it the “Fat Bastard Effect” (Quote: “I eat because I’m unhappy. And I’m unhappy because I eat”). As such, tap into to your inner demons to blanket yourself in a wave of self-loathing and hatred. Did your mommy not love you? Can’t support your family? Addicted to sex? Whatever it is, find that giant, gaping hole in your life, and then fill it with cake.

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