Jeff Wysaski
Dear God,
Hi, it’s me again. Mainly, I am just writing to see how you are doing (because I care about you so much). How are things in heaven? Heavenly, I hope. Also, how is Jesus?
But while I’ve got you, can I ask you a small favor? You’re the creator of all things, right? Well, I know you are a pretty busy guy and all, but if you happen to have a few spare minutes, well, would you mind inventing a clone for me?
It’s just that my life is really hard right now, and I think having a clone around would really make things easier on me. Because as things stand now, there’s just not enough time in the day to mow my lawn AND watch the Dodgers game on TV every day.
Needless to say, my lawn is looking pretty haggard. I mean, you’ve seen all the crab grass. And that giant anthill that’s taken over the entire back corner of the backyard? What is up with that? But if I had a clone to take care of things for me, well, this little universe of yours would look just a little more beautiful.
Also, if I had a clone, I could pray twice as hard for you. And tell twice as many people about how totally awesome you are.
Now I know from your vantage point up there it may look like I’m not doing a whole lot with my life. But what looks like laying around on the couch all day to you, is actually me hunkering down and having some serious marathon brainstorming sessions.
What am I brainstorming? Mostly how to worship you better (idea: giant rubber hands that I can wear for better prayer reception). But also, inventions that could help put an end to world hunger – like a couch with wheels so people could go through drive-thrus and get food without ever having to stand up.
Which is why, with all these big ideas in my head, I need a clone to take care of all the other, less important things in my life. Stuff like doing my chores, working at a job and bathing me with a luffa sponge.
Also, I’m not going to lie, it would just be plain cool to have an identical clone. But don’t worry, I wouldn’t just use the clone to pick up girls and do other selfish stuff. I would also use it for your benefit. For example, what with all the world’s woes and problems on your shoulders, I’m sure you could use the occasional chuckle. Well, I could use that clone you build me to pull funny pranks on people.
Believe me God, I really didn’t want to bother you with this request. Trust me, I tried building a clone all by myself without your help, but I just couldn’t get the cardboard box to look like me. Also, the See N’ Say I used for the brain didn’t think like me at all.
So yeah, I know a lot of people (Gary) paint you as this angry, vengeful God, but I know better. Help me prove them (Gary) wrong. Please build me a clone.
Thanks in advance,
Me!
P.S. If for some reason you decide to not build me a clone, could you please forward this email to Santa Claus? Also Satan. Thanks again.
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