Jeff Wysaski
Alright gang, listen up! This last bout of turf wars was pretty brutal. We lost some good homies and a whole lotta turf. I’ve been asking around, and right now we’re pretty much the laughing stock of the whole criminal underworld.
Guys, I hate to say it, but something’s got to change. We’ve got to figure out how we can turn this around so we can rebuild. What’s stopping us from being the most feared and successful gang in town? I have a suspicion it’s one of the following things:
Our Name: The Prissy Pants street gang. Look, I know we’re all quite attached to the current gang name. But just because we all grew up on Prissy Pants Boulevard, that doesn’t mean it has to be the name of the gang. I think if you look at the gang names of our rivals – Bloods, Born To Kill, Chinese Triads, Hell’s Angels – you’ll notice a stark difference in how menacing and threatening they sound when compared to our name.
The Pants Themselves: Yes, I know. The gang pants are our identity. It’s how people know we’re Prissy Pants. But maybe bold-colored patterned pants just aren’t the way to go. I mean, I know there should be bonus points for originality, but we’re pretty much the only street gang that uses pants as our main form of identification. Most gangs use colored do-rags. Red = Bloods. Blue = Crips. And so forth.
Now, I’m not saying we necessarily need to throw out the pants idea altogether. But maybe we should all consider choosing one particular colored pattern and stick to it.
Our Black Market Dealings: Yes, we’re all out there hustling on a daily basis, but for some reason we’re just not pulling in the same earnings as our rivals. Which is why I think we should start charging for the hugs. Yes, I know, slinging Free Hugs has become a touchstone of the Prissy Pants empire. But a donation-based system just isn’t bringing in enough cash.
Alternatively, we could keep the hugs free, and sell something else instead. Like cookies or crack cocaine.
Our Retaliation Tactics: Pillow fights. Are they really the most effective way of sending a threatening message to our rivals? I mean sure, no one wants to be beaten by a gang of Prissy Pants wielding feather pillows, that’s a given. But if you look closely at the other gangs I think you’ll notice one thing: guns. Lots and lots of guns.
Maybe we should get some guns.
Anyway guys, let’s not make any decisions right now. Yoga starts in 10 minutes and I don’t want to rush into anything. So mull it over while you finish up your non-fat smoothies. I’m gonna go down and put this unicorn sticker on the back of my Segway. See you all down there.
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