Jeff Wysaski
Whether created by science or natural birth, all centaurs have a birthday. If that special centaur in your life is turning a year older in the near future, then it’s possible you’ve been put in charge of planning the birthday celebration. To ensure the party ‘trots’ along with maximum frivolity, here are some dos and don’ts for a centaur’s birthday:
Do have the party at a fun location.
Don’t have the party inside.
Unless you want a bunch of hoof scuffs and dirt on your floors (also, horse dung), I’d suggest having the birthday party outside. A picnic theme in a dewy meadow might be a good option. Other good locations for a centaur birthday party include an enchanted forest, archery range, sandy beach or Six Flags amusement park.
Do get the centaur a gift.
Don’t get the centaur a pair of pants.
Look, I get it. You love your centaur friend, but you really wish he or she would have the decency to throw on a pair of pants whenever you’re invited over to the stable. Well, too bad. Unlike humans, centaurs just don’t enjoy wearing clothing for some reason. So don’t even try giving the centaur a pair of pants, because it just isn’t going to happen (yes, even if the pants are a nice, custom-made pair of plaid slacks with four leg holes).
Additionally, skip the shoes and shirts. If you’re really dead-set on giving your centaur clothing, try a scarf. It’s pretty much the only thing they’re willing to wear. Other suggested gifts include Mane and Tail shampoo, a coupon good for one free brushing, and a tapered broom handle for digging out the dirt clots in their hooves.
Do play birthday games.
Don’t play pin the tail on the donkey.
Put up a game of pin the tail on the donkey, and your centaur friend is likely to call you a “racist.” While this is simply not true (technically, you’re a specist), you don’t want you’re birthday game to lead to a full on temper tantrum. Yes, I know, a donkey is a completely different animal then a horse or centaur. Trust me, you’re preaching to the choir. But don’t try explaining this to a centaur. It just doesn’t work.
You wouldn’t want to play pin the tail on the donkey with a centaur around anyway. For one, have you ever tried spinning a centaur in a circle to make it dizzy? For two, at some point, the centaur WILL get pinned by a confused party member. And then you’ve got a spooked centaur on your hands, and he’s libel to tear off running into an open field or something.
Centaur-friendly birthday games include Hot Potato, Mr. Potato Head, Pass the Potato – actually, pretty much any potato-related game should be a solid choice (centaurs really like potatoes for some reason).
Do invite a lot of people.
Don’t invite a lot of centaurs.
Big parties are a great idea for centaurs (due to their freakish appearance, they are incredibly insecure about whether or not people like them). However, the number of centaurs invited to a party should be kept below a certain number (that number is 5). Why? For one, it’s a centaur’s natural inclination to stick to his own kind. Invite too many, and your party will quickly turn into a middle school box social – humans on one side, centaurs on the other.
For two, get a whole herd of centaurs together, and any loud noise – popped balloon, cracked whip, yelling “surprise!”– is libel to set off a stampede. Simply put, the fewer centaurs, the less of a chance that one of your guests will get trampled (and a trampled guest really tends to put a damper on things).
Well, that’s about it. Other than these key topics, a centaur’s birthday party is pretty much the same as a normal birthday. Buy some cake (may I suggest carrot cake?), some funny hats and a pinata or two (no donkeys!), and you’ve got yourself a recipe for success.
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