Jeff Wysaski
Dear Boss,
I just want you to know that I have been farting on your desk chair for the past 6 months. That’s right, for the past 6 months, I have been coming into work early everyday, sneaking into your office, and farting on your chair.
And now that you know that, I just have one question to ask you, sir: How does it feel? How does it feel to know that for the past 6 months, you have been sitting in someone else’s farts for a full 8 hours out of every workday?
Every business meeting. Farts. Every conference call. Farts! Every click of the computer mouse. FARTS!!
Does it feel awful? Good. I’m glad. That is the whole reason I was farting in your chair in the first place. Because I wanted to make you feel the way I felt when you gave me that “verbal warning” in front of all the other employees for coming into work drunk and wearing that women’s dress I got from the thrift store. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before embarrassing me like that.
Please know that when I say I farted in your chair “everyday,” I mean EVERY day – even weekends. That’s right, I made a special trip up to the office on Saturdays and Sundays just to fart on your big, comfy executive office chair.
Also, please know that it was not only the seat cushion that I farted on. No, sir. I farted on the armrests. I farted on the lumbar support. I even farted on the height adjustment knob.
So yeah, I think it’s pretty safe to say that just about every part of your body has touched my farts at some point during the last six months. Deal with it. Because, while you may be the boss of all 14 employees in the accounting department, when it comes to sitting in non-farted-on work chairs, I have the upper hand.
Now, sir. I’m not an unreasonable man. I did not fart on your chair out of sheer malice. No, my motivation was pure retribution. You know, an eye for an eye? And I think you will agree with me when I say that one verbal reprimand in front of everyone in the office (even Stacy) is equal to 6 months worth of chair farts.
As such, I want you to know that you no longer have to worry about me farting on your office chair. That’s right, soon my farts will fade from deep within the cushion of your desk chair, and you can go back to living a normal, healthy life. No longer will my farts seep into your clothes, hair and sweat glands on a daily basis.
That is, unless of course you decide to double-cross me again. So, unless you want to spend your days in fear – wondering whether or not the chair you’re sitting in is harvesting my farts – I suggest you keep your concerns of “proper business attire” to yourself. When you walk over to my cubicle today, you will see me in a beautiful secondhand ball gown I just picked up from a garage sale.
And that’s the way it’s going to be. Because, unfortunately for you, I have an endless supply of farts at the ready in the event you try to discipline me in any way.
Sorry sir, but you brought this upon yourself.
Regards,
P.S. Can’t wait for the company picnic this week! Let’s toss the Frisbee, okay?
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