Jeff Wysaski
Whether you’re the man robbing the convenience store or the clerk defending the cash register, you may one day find yourself in a situation where you need to use a gun. And when that day comes, you don’t want to look like a silly little nerd who’s holding up that weapon for the very first time.
As we all know, looking cool while holding a gun is the most important part of weapon ownership. So forget gun safety. Forget shooting accuracy. Heck, you can even forget the bullets. Because if you look cool enough carrying that gun, you’ll never even have to worry about pulling that little thingy that makes the gun go bang (people will be too busy thinking, “Wow, that guy holding the gun looks SO flipping awesome,” to fight back).
If you want to hold a gun and look cool while doing it, here’s what you need to do:
1. Hold the Gun With One Hand
Only cops and snipers hold their guns with two hands (i.e. squares). And sure, that two-handed stance may improve your accuracy, but what would you rather do: miss your mark or look like a dork?
From John Wayne to street thugs – cool people always hold their guns with one hand. Why? Because when you’re relaxed and laid-back while carrying a deadly weapon, it looks super cool! Other ways to make holding a gun seem like “no big deal” include standing in a slouched position, acting bored by yawning a lot, and repeatedly saying “this is no big deal” to everyone around you.
2. Spin the Gun Around Your Finger
Have you ever seen those Wild West movies where the cowboys spin their guns in and out of their holsters? If you have, then you probably found yourself thinking, “Wow, those guys are the coolest.” And you know what? You were right. Those guys were the coolest.
As with most things in life, you should model your actions and life choices after the movies as much as possible. Spin that gun around your finger (continually if possible), and you’ll be the coolest gunslinger in the suburbs.
3. Wear a Blindfold
Wearing a blindfold while carrying a gun sends a powerful message to the rest of the world. And that message is: “I’m blind. But I’m still packing heat and could probably shoot you dead anyways.” This is good for two reasons. A) Gunmen who can shoot things based purely on sound and “6th sense” are super cool. B) Blind people are some of the coolest people in the world (because they wear shades all the time, day or night).
Add it all up, and you’re double cool for being blind while carrying a gun. Yes, even if it means you’re bumping into people around you or tripping over a display case of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
4. Eat a Sandwich
If you followed Step 1, then that means you’ve got an extra hand just hanging out doing nothing. Smart gunslingers know that that hand isn’t just deadweight – it’s an opportunity to do something else super cool. Something like eating a sandwich (which shows you can multi-task – an ability that is mega cool). If you aren’t hungry or just plain don’t like sandwiches, you might also use that hand to twirl a baton, direct street traffic or conduct an orchestra (note: this requires an orchestra).
Regardless of what you choose to do with that extra hand, the sum result of two hands doing two incredibly cool things results in a cool factor that nears infinity.
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