Jeff Wysaski
Aren’t neighbors just the worst? Always waving hello when you’re walking the dog. Or offering to pick up your mail for you when you’re out of town. Geez, HOW ANNOYING!!
If you’ve ever dreamt of getting away from all that “friendly hospitality,” then chances are you’ve fantasized about living at the bottom of the sea. Truly, the underwater lifestyle seems a thousand times better than living in any landlocked neighborhood – what with all the reduced crowds, great schools of fish and enhanced safety (fact: zero percent of all murders recorded in the last year occurred at the bottom of the sea).
Unfortunately, us humans weren’t born with fish gills (thanks a lot, God). But that doesn’t mean you can’t make your dream of living at the bottom of the sea a reality. Follow one of these easy tactics, and you’ll be eating seaweed salads and hugging sharks on the daily in no time:
Lose Consciousness While Scuba Diving
Everyone knows that if you hit your head on a sea rock and lose consciousness at the bottom of the sea, then a mermaid will save you and take you back to her underwater mermaid village. She will nurse you back to health and use mermaid magic to make it so you can breathe underwater. Presto – you can now join her deep-sea society and move into a quiet house on the edge of town.
Pros: pre-built house, no need for oxygen, endless supply of tridents
Cons: probably will have neighbors, mermaid taxes, will eventually have to marry the mermaid king’s daughter.
Apply for a Government Grant
If you can convince the government that you need to live at the bottom of the sea “in the name of science,” then they will probably give you millions of dollars in grant money to build an underwater sea lab. To ensure quick and substantial funding, good research topics to propose include studying an endangered aquatic fish (make one up if you have to), drilling for underwater oil and “engineering a better fish stick.”
Pros: don’t actually have to live IN the water, free money, will probably get to drive a submersible watercraft shaped like a dolphin
Cons: won’t get to choose your flippers (government issue), will have to do boring sciencific research
Double-Cross the Mafia
From what I hear, the mafia has been helping normal people like you and me “swim with the fishes” for decades. I don’t know much about the specifics, but apparently they have a hidden stockpile of these special shoes made of concrete. I’m guessing that these concrete shoes have been forged by Poseidon himself, meaning that whoever wears them will be able to breathe underwater. I’m not sure why, but apparently mobsters only give these shoes to people they don’t like. So, try double-crossing the mob by doing something like refusing to pay off your debts, running your mouth to the police, or talking bad about their mothers.
Pros: will be living alone, free shoes, get to make fun of someone’s mother
Cons: will have to build your own shelter, can’t ever take off your shoes (dirty carpets)
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: