Most people these days break their lifetimes into two eras – before and after Pleated Jeans. Before Pleated Jeans, you were undoubtedly a lost soul of sadness struggling to find meaning in a world filled with rain clouds and frowny faces. But afterwards…oh how the skies have parted! Now, you’re living life to its fullest! You’ve found your spirit animal, been given a cool nickname, joined a nudist colony, and finally gotten rid of that darn corpse that’s been stinking up your living room.
In essence, you’ve become self-actualized (you’re welcome). Naturally, Pleated Jeans receives mountains of “thank you” letters everyday. What do they say, exactly? We don’t know because we don’t read them (right in the trash with the Penny Saver).
But we had a hunch that, along with your worthless “thank you” letters, those envelopes might also contain “thank you” money (our hunch was wrong). However, in our search for compensation, we accidentally read, and unfortunately comprehended, some questions from newer readers who have yet to achieve what we around here call, “Maximum Amazing.” To help these lost souls (and hopefully get some real money in return), we will now answer these questions.
Dear Pleated Jeans,
A polar bear. Because they are not only big and scary and a challenging competitor (especially when given nunchucks), they are also cute and adorable (especially when given a really tiny hat). Which means after you whip that Great White Hope into submission with your brute manly strength, you can win extra bonus points by showing your crush your sensitive side by hugging and cuddling your super fuzzy opponent.
Simple – walk out into the middle of a grassy field and wait for it to start raining. Then, drop to your knees and shout “why God, why!!” as you stare at the heavens with hands clenched tightly above your head. If you have a gun, fire it randomly into the sky as you scream uncontrollably. If not, repeatedly punch your fists into the mud in front of you. After this brief grieving period, you’ll be back to good in no time (note: this tactic also works for getting over the death of a police partner that was one day away from retirement).
Of all the 1980s martial artist action heroes, you are the best. Bloodsport changed my life. Everyone knows that if Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan jumped you in an alley, you’d roundhouse kick those white belts into next week. But my question is, how many seconds exactly would it take you to send those pansies crying home to mommy?
Well, let’s see – the last time I tried any karate moves was way back in 1994, right after seeing 3 Ninjas Kick Back. Seeing as how I’m a bit rusty, 6 seconds. Maybe 7.