Jeff Wysaski
So I ate New York last night. I pass this city all the time on my way to work (terrorizing boats and tankers up and down the eastern seaboard), but never bothered trampling inside until now.
However, I was super tired and hungry after a double-shift of disrupting the shipping lanes, so I decided to stop off on my way back to Monster Island and give this city a shot. Plus, my buddy Tentadactyl ate New York back in 1983, and couldn’t stop raving about it. Since he’s the one who turned me onto a little hidden gem known as Kansas City, I feel I can trust his recommendations.
First of all, if you don’t like noisy cities or “human resistance,” then this is not the city for you. As soon as I walked in, the car horns starting blaring, gunshots started going off, and fighter bombers started swarming me with heat-sinking missiles.
Personally, I like this. It adds a little excitement to the meal. And for some reason, when the city puts up a good fight, the buildings just seem to taste “sweeter” and the population more “saucy.” But maybe that’s just me.
Before diving into the main city, I decided to wet my appetite with Brooklyn. I must say, the brownstones were delicious – and substantial. I’ve eaten cities before (like Toronto or Billings) where the buildings were pretty skimpy on the humans. But here, I was pleasantly surprised to find 4 to 8 good-sized citizens hiding inside the crunchy outer shell.
However, if you end up going here, I would advise against eating Williamsburg. The citizens here are not sufficiently aged (20 to 30 years, typically), and many are too skinny to provide any real flavor. Also, they tasted dirty.
Since Brooklyn left me wanting more, I also decided to sample The Bronx. The buildings here inspired a smoky flavor, and the citizens added a nice ethnic undertone. All in all, a much better appetizer.
Next up was the main course – Downtown Manhattan. When the meal came into view, my massive jaws immediately began to rain down puddles of drool. The whole city is laid out in a delightful mishmash of iron and color. The nighttime lights of downtown were especially enticing.
The buildings were just as good going down. Other than TriBeCa, which seemed a little too pretentious for my tastes, the entire city was a homerun. Wall Street tasted like a million bucks (but only cost me a couple tank blasts!) and the Empire State Building tasted more “pointy” than I could have ever imagined.
Of course, I must say that the portions here are ridiculous. The city is sprawling, and when I first caught a glimpse of it all, I couldn’t help but laugh at the sheer size (do they want really expect me to eat ALL that?). If you want, you can easily order the whole city, and share with a date or even entire family. As I was alone, I just took Times Square to go in a doggie bag (which heated up nicely in my volcano lair, btw).
For dessert, I ate Shea Stadium. The structure looked delicious when I saw it, but I must say the Mets fans tasted a little bitter.
Great ambience, incredible portions, superb selection. All in all, I will definitely be eating New York again when they rebuild.
My rating: 7 out of 8 tentacles
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