Jeff Wysaski
Sneaking up on people is just about the funnest thing you can do in this world. And whether you’re sneaking up on people just to scare them, or so you can put them in a headlock and steal their purse, it’s always a good time had by all.
But if you think it’ll be easy to sneak up on your blind friend so you can jump out and yell “Boo!” (before stealing their purse), you better think again, buddy. Blind people may not be able see you coming, but what they lack in sight, they make up for with their other four senses.
The slightest creak in the floor or the smallest vibration from your movements, and you’ve lost the element of surprise. And then instead of pointing and laughing as your blind friend jumps and shrieks in surprise, you’re on the ground getting beaten to death by your buddy’s walking cane.
Well no more! Here are some tips to make sure those crafty blind folks get good and scared:
Let the Blind Person Come to You
This is the easiest way to scare a blind person. After all, if your movements are what give you away, doesn’t it make sense to stay stationary? Of course, blind people’s movements are incredibly hard to predict. And because they can’t see, they tend to stay in one place for long periods of time. But if you are patient, eventually “Old Blindy” will get up and wander over to that random spot in the room where you’ve been standing for the past few hours.
Tip: to ensure the blind person doesn’t hear you move into your hiding spot, consider entering their home while they are asleep or out buying groceries (break in if you have to).
Use Ambient Noise to Your Advantage
If you don’t want to wait for the visually impaired to come to you, then your best bet is to time your movements to coincide with ambient noise. This will help drown out any noises you might make. For example, if your blind friend lives near an airport, you can take a few tip-toed steps and/or floor rolls every time an airplane flies overhead. Alternatively, you could just sneak up on them while they are taking a shower. Let the water do all the work, then throw open the curtain and start screaming like a maniac!
Buy Your Blind Friend a Pair of Earmuffs
Earmuffs are a great way to dull the blind’s freakishly acute hearing. And if you give them a pair for his or her birthday (or “just because”), then he or she will feel obligated to wear them. To ensure they keep them on all the time, either crank up the AC or bash in their heater with a rubber mallet (depending on the season). Once it’s good and cold in that house, out come the earmuffs and in comes the sneak attack!
Create a Diversion
We’ve all seen those movies where the hero throws pebbles across the room to make the bad guys with the guns think that he’s hiding somewhere else. You can apply the same principle to sneaking up on your blind friend. However, be advised that a blind person’s hearing is far too acute to mistake a human’s movement for a few measly pebbles. As such, consider throwing something larger – like your friend – across the room instead (or perhaps a life-sized dummy made from hard foam and human hair you collected from Fantastic Sam’s).
Keep Your Mouth Shut
If the blind person is tipped off to your presence, he or she is liable to yell out, “Who’s that? Is anybody there?” Despite your instincts, do NOT reply by saying, “No!” Blind people may be blind, but they’re not dumb. Keep your mouth shut, and maybe they’ll convince themselves they were just hearing things (jokes on them, they were hearing something – you!).
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: