Your Time Travel Device Does Not Impress Me

Gentleman of the engineering department, I applaud all the hard work and long hours you’ve put into building this time travel device. After 14 long months, BioInnoGenFutureAdvanTech Inc. (BIGFAT), has succeeded in our mission to build the first viable, in-home time travel device.

science-fiction-machine-2This technology works flawlessly – easily transporting individuals from one point in time and space to another (and back again). Furthermore, your precision ensures that time placement is accurate right down to both the second and the centimeter.

Having said that, ARE YOU GUYS FREAKING SERIOUS!? This is the best you could do? You actually think I can sell this pile of junk to the American public? I mean, sure, I could sell a white fur coat to a bunny rabbit, and I even found a way to sell all those Bear Attack Simulators you guys came up with last fall, but this? THIS!?

Yes, technologically the thing works fine. I instantly zipped right back to 1992, bought a 2-liter of Crystal Pepsi from Eckerd Drug  with my pre-Sacagewea silver dollar, and zipped right back here with no lost limbs or other ill side effects. But when it comes to doing things right, that’s ALL this product has going for it.

No, I’m afraid the abysmal design of this product is far too horrendous. For one, it looks nothing like the time machine devices you see in the movies. It’s a box. A simple metal box with a time dial on the front. BORING.

People don’t want big, clunky boxes sitting in their guest rooms or garages! They want a sleek, sexy TIME MACHINE! Where are the whirring gizmos? Where are the flashing lights? Where is the steam-powered engine!?

Also, there’s no cup holder. I mean, sure, it only took 0.01 milliseconds to reach my time destination, but during that brief moment, my hand was incredibly cold from holding my Crystal Pepsi!

People want cup holders – especially women. Did you know that number of cup holders is more important to a female car shopper than total number of horsepower!? Of course you didn’t. You’re just a bunch of eggheads who know how to bend the laws of space and time.

Well I’ll tell you something: all the physics and advanced calculus in the world couldn’t save this piece of trash from being a marketable consumer product.

I couldn’t even give these things away. Which, I’m told we could probably do because the technology is so ridiculously inexpensive, we could install them for free in people’s homes and still make money off the patent rights.

I’m sorry. No. Shut it down – pull the plug. I’m afraid the only thing left to do is to burn the design plans and bash this overgrown paperweight in with a couple of Louisville Sluggers. Maybe at least we can recoup some of our losses by stripping this box and selling it for scrap metal.

Here are your bats – get to it. And when you’re done, go ahead and get to work on that gas-powered unicycle I dreamt about last night. It’ll work because it’s my idea – and I like my ideas because I am the BIGFAT CEO and I know what I’m talking about. Trust me, the gas-icycle is going to change the way the world travels. So start building.

And guys, this time, DON’T FORGET THE FREAKING CUP HOLDER!

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