Jeff Wysaski
Yesterday, NASA was elated to report the discovery of a distant solar system situated more than 11 light years from earth. The solar system is enticing for many reasons, such as the inclusion of several earth-like planets. Also, these planets are revolving around a massive ice cream banana split.
This is the first time in history that astronomers have discovered a solar system that orbits around an “ewie gooey center.”
Initial reports seem to indicate that the banana split has a mass equivalent to two suns. As NASA representative, Drake Blanston, indicates: “this is the most massive extraterrestrial banana split we’ve ever discovered. We’re talking 5 heaping scoops of ice cream, 2 whole bananas, hot fudge and whipped cream. Top it all off with a generous sprinkle of jimmies and one delicious cherry, and we’ve got one enormous banana split.”
Initial reports suggest that the five scoops of ice cream may be orange sherbet, peppermint, blue raspberry, pistachio and chocolate chip cookie dough. However, analysts were quick to note that the green scoop may not actually be pistachio, but rather, a much tastier mint chocolate chip.
NASA was initially skeptical that a sweet, sugary treat could be large enough to serve as the center of a solar system. However, through magnetic resonance imaging, NASA has ascertained that at an “extra dense deposit of fudge brownie cake” lies hidden at the core of the ginormous intergalactic dessert.
Given the large radius of orbiting objects, NASA estimates that this core of super fudge must be incredibly dense. “More than likely,” Blanston states, “if you were somehow lucky enough to eat this fudge, you would only be able to take one or two bites before succumbing to its exceptional richness of flavor.”
The banana split has managed to pull a wide range of celestial objects into its orbit – from giant candy corns and gumdrops to streaming chocolate comets and a cotton candy asteroid belt.
NASA has already formed a tactical team that is hard at work planning a mission to the distant solar system. “We are expediting plans to investigate this solar system,” Blanston confirms, “because, unlike other planetary systems in space, this one looks really, really yummy.”
Veteran astronaut Terry Gilihad has been selected to head the mission once in space. Though the space journey could take as many as 15 years, Gilihad is hopeful that “we will be there in time to celebrate my 70th birthday party.” If this timeline is met, Gilihad and team will start by sampling each scoop of ice cream to determine which is their favorite. They then will proceed to eat the entire banana split, saving this favorite flavor for last.
When asked about the potential for one of the candy planets to harbor extraterrestrial life forms, NASA admits it is a possibility. A handful of the Milk Dud planets revolve at a distance that would suggest an adequate environment for intelligent life to flourish.
“When speaking of finding intelligent life on these planets, there are two primary questions,” Gilihad explains, “One: can the atmosphere retain enough oxygen to produce and sustain life? And two: are these life forms made out of Devil’s food cake? Because that stuff goes great with ice cream.”
The mission to the new solar system is estimated to cost NASA nearly $18 billion. However, Ben & Jerry’s has offered to donate a percentage of funds to the project, provided NASA names the space vessel “Ben & Jerry’s Space-berry Fields Forever.”
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: