Jeff Wysaski
This past weekend, thousands of bullies assembled at the Embassy Suites in downtown Tulsa, Oklahoma to discuss the current state of the bullying industry. Following two days of keynote speeches and interactive workshops (with topics such as “Tattletales: a Growing Dilemma” and “How to Spot a Nerd“), the weekend culminated in an awards ceremony devoted to honoring this year’s most prolific and innovative bullies.
Each year, the most sought-after award is the prestigious Golden Noogie – handed down to the bully who “most effectively advances the field of bullying.” This year’s winner, “Scary” Larry Dodson, earned top honors for giving the bully community the gift of the “Crummy Tummy.”
The Crummy Tummy, which was invented by Scary Larry back in February of this year, has since caught on like wildfire. Though originating in a small middle school in Topeka, Kansas, bullies as far off as Russia and Laos have cited the new maneuver as a welcome addition to their arsenal of bully tricks.
To successfully perform a Crummy Tummy, the bully must pin down their nerd, lift his shirt and rub the subject’s own sandwich (or other breaded item) on the stomach (tummy) while repeatedly shouting, “Crummy Tummy! Crummy Tummy!”
As Scary Larry explains, “The maneuver can be used alone, but also works as a great topper to a Wet Willie or Indian Rug Burn.”
Naturally, the new school prank is most easy to implement in the school lunchroom, but, as the judges noted, the “dumb allergies of stupid nerds means they almost always have to bring their own lunch.” As such, sack lunches can be found on any target before lunch period.
Other nominees for this year’s Innovation Award included the Icy Undie, Abominable Butt Taco, Reverse Wedgie (for female targets) and, all the way from the Middle East, the Hummus Hat.
The Crummy Tummy won by a landslide, and has been heralded as the greatest leap forward in bullying since the “Hertz Donut.”
When asked how he dreamed up such a simple, yet effective and embarrassing nerd bashing technique, Scary Larry admits it was mostly a case of pure serendipity: “Taylor Fletcher – I mean Gaylor Bitchler – was sitting all alone at lunch and it just happened.”
Not since the legendary Awful Waffle has such an innovative bully tactic been received so well by the bullying community. Surveys handed out during the conference suggest that the Crummy Tummy has already displaced the purple nurple as the 3rd most commonly used bully tactic of the year.
The Wet Willie and Noogie retain their first and second place spots, respectively.
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