Jeff Wysaski
Why is that when a perfectly normal, decently attractive man steps out into the world wearing a tin foil hat, everyone automatically thinks he’s crazy? Is it really that implausible that someone might just LIKE the way a tin foil hat looks on his head?
I mean, seriously, a tin foil hat is more affordable, versatile and sparkly than pretty much any store-bought hat you can buy. What’s not to like?
Not everyone who wears a tin foil hat does it because they believe the government is listening in on their thoughts, you know? I mean, I do believe that. 100 percent. But it’s not the PRIMARY reason that I wear this hat.
After all, I could wear any number of hats to meet that goal – iron helmet, enchanted wizard cap, hollowed-out watermelon. It’s just, I CHOOSE to wear a tin foil hat because I like the way it hides my bald spot. Also, if Medusa ever sneaks up behind me, BAM! She catches a glimpse of her reflection and she’s turned to stone.
So, you see, we’re not ALL crazy conspiracy theorists who believe aliens are on their way to earth to round up all us humans so they can sell us to an intergalactic space zoo. Obviously, that’s just not true. Any sane person will tell you that the aliens are ALREADY HERE, slowly picking us off one by one!
And if you think you’re safe just because you’re a cartoon breakfast cereal mascot, think again. Because guess what? Toucan Sam works for them, now.
So you see, it just so happens that a few outspoken bad apples have spoiled the bunch when it comes to wearing tin foil hats. It’s a lot like how Adolf Hitler ruined the perfectly harmless-looking toothbrush mustache for everyone else (which I also obviously also have).
And sorry guys, but not everybody who wears Kleenex boxes for shoes is named Howard Hughes and has an unhealthy fear of germs. I’d show you my driver’s license to prove it, but I burned all my government-issue forms of identification to keep the the FDA from infecting me with the flu vaccine. So you’ll just have to take my word for it.
Come on everyone, this is the 21st century! I thought we put all those narrow-minded thoughts and stereotypes behind us. I mean, just because someone is wearing a New York Yankees hat, that doesn’t automatically mean he’s a Yankees fan! For all you know, he could just be a regular, run-of-the-mill demonic shapeshifter from Hell trying to blend in with human society.
So yeah, when I put it that way, don’t you just feel like an dumb idiot?
Look, I’m sorry I lost my temper. I don’t usually yell at people (just the invisible spiders that try to attack me on street corners). It’s just, I’ve been dealing with weird looks and whisperings behind my back for way too long. I apologize.
Now, can anyone at this middle school bake sale stop clutching her child to her chest long enough to help me out of this straightjacket!? Those little pots filled with the Gummi worms and crushed up Oreo cookie “dirt” just look delicious.
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