Jeff Wysaski
Much like college friends and newborn babies, cats make terrible roommates. Sure, they’re fuzzy, adorable and occasionally haz cheezburger, but when it comes time to wash the dishes or pay the electric bill – WHAM! They retreat to their secret kitty hiding spot to wait out all the hard work.
And what’s even worse? The fact that they re-emerge hours later with that unassuming look of indifference. Hey Mittens, how about a little appreciation? You could at least PRETEND like you “totally would have helped out” had you been around when we were cleaning.
Well if you’re sick of that freeloading cat sleeping in YOUR chair, eating all YOUR cat food and playing with YOUR colorful feathers attached to sticks, then it’s time to take action. Of course, you could just kick the cat out and let some other poor sap put up its unwillingness to get a job, but then who would you dress up in little hats to make yourself feel better when you’re feeling blue? As an alternative, here’s how to get your cat to stop being lazy and start pitching in around the house:
Cover Your Dirty Dishes in Cat Hair
If there’s one thing cats like to clean, it’s themselves. Take advantage of this vanity by collecting all your cat’s shedded fur. When it comes time to do a load of dishes, cover your plates with all that hair (tip: spaghetti sauce works as a natural adhesive). Then, dump all the dishes in your cat’s favorite sitting spot.
Eventually, your cat will come along and settle in for a nice, long bath. Thanks to the excess fur, that stupid cat won’t know where it’s body ends, and the housework begins! Before he knows it, he’s licked your plates clean and you’ve actually had a chance to sit down and watch your favorite television program for once. (note: put dishes away immediately to avoid re-dirtying due to hairballs).
Rub Your Things With Another Cat
Got a stack of antique silver teapots that have started to tarnish? Don’t give in like last time and polish your treasured keepsakes while your cat lays in the sunspot quietly judging you. Instead, use your cat’s natural inclination to mark its territory to get him to do it for you.
To do so, you’ll need the scent of another cat. Maybe you have an extra one lying around. If not, borrow a friend’s or walk outside and open a can of wet cat food (at least one cat will come running up to help you out).
Then, take said cat and rub it all over your prized silver. When your cat smells that imposter’s body funk all over that silver, he’ll go to town rubbing all over it. The combined rubbing action of both cats will work together to remove the tarnish, and you’ll be all set to trick future dinner guests into thinking you’re way fancier than you actually are.
Lock Your Cat in a Room With the Vacuum Cleaner
Have you ever thought to yourself, “if Sebastian just gave the vacuum cleaner a chance, those two would be friends forever?” Sure you have, and you know what? You’re absolutely right!
Cats rarely stick around long enough to give vacuum cleaners a chance to get to know them. Turn on the vacuum and you’ll find this out firsthand. But if you lock a cat and vacuum cleaner in a room together, they’ll have plenty of time to get acquainted. Wait long enough, and eventually you’ll open the door to find your cat pushing its new best friend around room (sucker: he thinks they’re dancing!!).
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