Jeff Wysaski
Local government officials for the hamlet of Frown Town plan to throw a town-wide pity party, according to a press report coming from the offices of Mayor McFuddy-Duddy. The party, which officials predict will be “poorly attended and probably not very much fun,” is intended to serve as celebration observance for the town’s 150th anniversary.
Citizens of Frown Town immediately began weeping upon hearing the news.
As locals may know, Frown Town was founded back in December of 1859 when Reginald. P. Naysayer was kicked out of the back of a horse-drawn carriage for being, as fellow settlers described him, “a stick-in-the-mud.” Upon hitting the dusty sands of central Nevada, Naysayer immediately crossed his arms tightly over his chest, threw his front lip out into a powerful frown, and sat down angrily to set up roots in this God forsaken place we’ve all come to know and despise.
Officials claim the event is intended to be the biggest pity party ever thrown. However, numerous cynics concede that a sadder, more gloomy party probably happened somewhere “up in Canada or something.”
The Mayor’s office claims that a parade will serve as the party’s main attraction. Upon hearing this, local weather outlets from all major news stations immediately predicted rain.
Other planned events include a dance competition that will require women to wear high heels all night and probably make their feet hurt, and a fireworks display that will undoubtedly be way too loud and not at all worth sitting outside in the cold for 45 minutes.
As a commemorative gift, wet blankets will be provided to the first 500 attendants that show up at the parade grounds.
When this news publication reached out for public comment, several spoilsports eagerly stepped forward to poop on the party. Highlighted quotes from these killjoys include:
- “Sounds expensive.”
- “No one’s going to ask me to dance.”
- “I have cancer.”
- “It’ll probably conflict with my plans to stare listlessly out my living room window.”
- And, “Ah, Hooey!”
If you really want to waste your time getting all dressed up for nothing, the festivities are scheduled to begin at 12pm on December 1st. Though it’ll probably start late, and then drag on far too long into the night. But, by all means go if you want. It’s your funeral.
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