Jeff Wysaski
Okay guys, I think it’s pretty safe to say that we all smell something pretty fishy about the new kid in class. I mean, don’t get me wrong, on the surface he seems cool enough – Billabong board shorts, carries a skateboard, can quote Harry Potter with the best of them – but something about that guy just doesn’t seem right.
Maybe it’s just the fact that he’s almost TOO cool, you know? Like maybe he’s trying too hard to be perfect. I mean, sure, we ALL sit in our chairs backwards so we can rest our arms on the backrest – that’s just the chillest way for us youths to get our relaxin’ on. But seriously, he pulls that trick EVERY time he sits down.
And once he’s in that super relaxed position, he’s always saying weird things like, “Yo homies, let’s rap,” and “Being a teen is the raddest!”
Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure no REAL kid has ever said either of these two phrases in real life. And I mean EVER! But then again, maybe he’s just saying those things ironically – you know, like when we say things are “bad” when they’re actually good?
Also, the dude talks about homework WAY too much. At free period he’s always saying, “Yo let’s get our learn on and work some math problems.” Or when we shoot hoops, he’s saying things like, “Now, if I scored two 3-pointers and two slam dunks, how many more points would I need to beat you by double digits?”
It’s like he WANTS us to do good in school – which is weird because up until now, I was under the impression that it was cool to be an underachiever. But then, here comes this super cool kid who spews lame phrases that make him sound just like Principal Coates, and all of a sudden I don’t know whether I should start applying myself or not.
Speaking of Principal Coates, that kid sure looks an awful lot like him. Now that I think of it, if you just removed the super cool backwards baseball cap that he wears all the time, the two could be TWINS!
Which begs another question: why does the new kid have a mustache? We’re in the 7th grade for Christ sakes! Even if he was mature for his age, you gotta admit that beautiful thick plumage above the new kid’s upper lip is a little suspicious.
Also, one time, we were all ogling Madison in that super tight tank top she was wearing, and the new kid walks up and says something like, “Man, I would respect the STUFF out of that. Buy her flowers, treat her right, and not have sex with her until marriage – cause I don’t want those STDs, know what I’m saying.”
Now does that sound like something a 13-year-old boy would say? Or does it sound like something a PRINCIPAL would say if he was trying to peer motivate us to be good, wholesome teens?
I don’t know, maybe I’m just making mountains out of molehills here. The new kid says he comes from Canada, so maybe everything is just ass backwards up there. I guess I shouldn’t go jumping to any conclusions.
But I can promise you one thing – I am going to be watching him like a hawk this weekend when we go over to his house to listen to him rap about the “Importance of Proper Hygiene” and write thank-you notes to our mothers “just because.”
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