Jeff Wysaski
Attention U.S. Government,
This letter is to inform you that I have decided to secede from the union. To be frank, I have not been happy with the way this country has been run over the last few years, and as the old saying goes, “If you want things done right you’ve got to do it yourself.”
As such, I have decided to strike out on my own and form my own country – the kingdom of Palisades. And though I am no longer bound to your laws, I would really like it if we could remain allies. By the king’s decree (me), the kingdom of Palisades shall abide by the following rules and regulations:
The country of Palisades shall be a small hamlet that is situated within the U.S. state of California. More specifically, the king has mandated that the eastern and southern wings of the Glendale Galleria Mall will encapsulate the kingdom proper. Our borders shall run the length of both floors of the mall, from the Macy’s department store to the frozen yogurt place in the food court.
There will be an open borders policy between the countries of Palisades and America. As such, no passports or other forms of identification will be needed to enter and exit Palisades.
The king shall have free use of all goods and services located within the borders of Palisades. Also, on weekends when the miniature train is up and running for the children, the king will not have to wait in line to ride the train and shall be awarded priority seating.
Also, the conductor should give the king his conductor’s cap to wear while riding on the train.
The currency of Palisades, which has been designed and printed by the king himself, will have an exchange rate of one Palisades penny to 1,000 U.S. dollars. Either form of currency is accepted for Palisadian goods and services. Additionally, it is requested that the citizens of Palisades be able to exchange a Palisades penny for U.S. currency at any U.S.-owned store in the mall (and if not all citizens, then at least the king).
Palisades is dedicated to offering international job opportunities to American citizens. Outsourcing will remain a key component of the Palisadian economy. Additionally, it should be noted that salary, health care and all other forms of compensation shall be the responsibility of the employee’s home country.
The central town of Old Navy shall serve as the capital of Palisades.
Palisades also proposes a free-trade agreement with the United States. We will gladly exchange our abundant khaki pants, Hallmark greeting cards and Spencer’s gifts for haircuts at the JCPenney styling salon.
These laws and regulations are preliminary, and new laws may be enacted by the king at any time. For questions and comments, please feel free to contact the king directly at any time. For the majority of mall hours, he can be found sitting on his throne and waving to his royal subjects in the main 2nd-floor walkway of the kingdom (in front of the AMC 18 movie theater).
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