Jeff Wysaski
Calling all slayers, thrashers and heshers! Are you sick of panting for breath every time you totally destroy a guitar solo? Do all those double bass drum kicks have your calves pounding harder than the crowd’s fists? Does all that head banging make you want to lie down and sing your third Hell-themed power ballad from the concert stage floor?
Then kick your skinny, drug-addled body into shape and join the HEAVY METAL JOGGING CREW!
That’s right, no longer is cardiovascular exercise reserved for Nickelback fans and the stodgy brainless zombies of the office rat race. Now you can totally turn yourself into the cloven-footed Iron Man you’ve always wanted!
The Heavy Metal Jogging Crew has been sent straight from the 9th layer of Hell to whip your puny ass into shape! Each night, we emerge from the depths of the abyss to assemble at the gates of hell – a.k.a. the Alhambra bike path entrance on the eastside of town (right behind the Subway restaurant and Lollicup Boba Tea place)!
From there, we run like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse at a brisk, medium-to-slow pace over paved concrete and low-grade inclines for a total of 1.25 miles!
Stop praying for Megadeth every time you break a sweat! Just two weeks of this brutal ass kicking and your demon blood will surge with enough energy to get you all the way to that second encore without so much as an elevated heart rate!
Worried all those years of cigarettes and bar food will slow you down? Not to worry – we’ll have the metal tunes blastin’ from Satan’s iPod nano itself to keep you motivated. Plus, every Thursday I personally dress up as the supreme dark lord of hell so you will literally be RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL!!
Flabby thighs? Fade to Black! Love handles? For Whom the Bell Tolls! Neck pain? I Got 99 Problems but a Crick Ain’t One (Limp Biskit cover version)!
So what are you waiting for? If you’re ready to be the Master of Puppets of your own body, assemble with the Cowboys From Hell every weeknight, Monday through Thursday from 7:30 to 8:15!
No special workout equipment necessary – just bring your Doc Martins and skinniest jeans and you’ll be ready to rip it up with the rest of us!
Also, bring a bottle of water – because dehydration is MEGA LAME!
See you there – if you dare!!
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