Jeff Wysaski
You know, it’s ironic – when we’re young, we all want to look older so we can get into night clubs, sneak into R-rated movies or date the cute high school English teacher without getting hassled by the authorities. But then, when we actually do get older, we wish we were EVEN OLDER!
Whether you’re out to enjoy some underage drinking at the club or you’re hoping for that senior citizen’s discount at the Hometown Buffet, making yourself look older is a smart decision no matter what your age. Follow these easy steps, and no one will ever mistake you for your actual age ever again.
Increase Your Height
Height is one of the easiest visual cues you can change in order to appear older. When in public, try wearing high-heeled or platform shoes to increase your height. With your new, taller stature, friends and strangers alike will easily mistake you for someone much older. For added effect, also try bringing along a chair with you wherever you go and standing on top of it whenever you stop to have a conversation with someone.
Tip: if you’re really young (8-years-old to newborn baby), try standing on stilts or the shoulders of two to three similarly sized friends while wearing a long trench coat. Employ this tactic, and no bouncer or doorman will look twice before unhooking the velvet rope and letting you pass by.
Change Your Wardrobe
Choosing the right outfit can make all the difference when it comes to looking older. Look around, and you’ll notice that old people don’t wear camo cargo pants, Hannah Montana t-shirts or backwards baseball hats – they wear polyester shirts from the thrift store, pants with elastic waistbands and Depends underwear. As such, skip past that Quiksilver store at the mall and start buying clothes from those giant bins at CostCo.
Wear Makeup
Have you ever looked at a clown and thought, “Wow, that guy looks really young!” No, you haven’t – and for one simple reason: makeup makes people look older. As such, you should wear as much as possible to fool the world into thinking you’re wise beyond your years. Start by caking on a bright white base layer. Then, add diamond shapes and a big red mouth to really add on the decades.
Tip: When applying makeup, always opt for the “sad clown” appearance. Depression and inner pain will subtly suggest that you’ve lived through years of traumatic pain and anguish.
Visit the Holy Grail Chamber and Drink From the Wrong Cup
Choose the “wrong” cup in the chamber that houses the Holy Grail, and you can easily take your face from adolescent to decrepit in no time flat. Drinking from false Holy Grails is an ancient secret aging process that has been used for decades by German Nazis and other power-hungry non-whip-carrying archaeologists. Fast, simple and effective, in just seconds you’re withered face and ashes-to-ashes skin will easily trick the world into thinking you died of old age years ago!
Tip: Choose wisely when selecting your cup. Accidentally pick the actual Holy Grail, and you’ll be punished with reinvigorated youth and vitality (and no one wants that).
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