Jeff Wysaski
Dear intelligent life form, if you are absorbing this message via telepathic osmosis, then your planet has been chosen for invasion by the Xylox intergalactic race (under the authority of me, the great Lord Pluton). To ensure maximum efficiency, minimum fluid loss and medium crunchiness throughout the takeover process, please review the following frequently asked questions:
When will the invasion occur?
Your doom shall commence on the 21st of December at 8 p.m. (7 p.m. Central time). However, as it has been observed that the generally accepted earth custom is to arrive at public functions “fashionably late,” the actual invasion will likely not occur until, oh I don’t know, 8:30ish (as the old saying goes, “when in Klivzar, do as the Klivzars do”).
Will you be obliterating all intelligent life forms?
No, this is intended to be a peaceful invasion. You should rest easy in knowing that we would rather not incinerate ANY life forms with our really big lasers if at all possible (we are not barbarians). Rather, we merely intend to remove the cerebral cortex of all men, women and children so that you may become mindless slave workers in our salt rock mines located on the third moon of Assentrix.
Will resistance be futile?
Yes, resistance will be futile. Furthermore, if a resistance is mounted, be prepared for us to scoff at your meager attempts to destroy us by repeatedly referring to you all as “foolish earthlings.”
Just what kind of advanced alien technology are we up against here?
Not to spoil the surprise for you, but we have antimatter force field shields that could easily protect our Starfleet from a thousand nuclear blasts. Other weaponry on hand includes fractal grenades, Cerulean fighting monsters and brain slug parasites. Also, did I mention that our lasers are really, really big?
What will become of planet earth?
After all humans have been de-brained and transported to Assentrix, sulfur will be added to earth’s atmosphere to make it suitable for Xyloxian life forms. It will then be populated with ten different D-list Xyloxian celebrities, who will then battle for supremacy via a series of military war games and demeaning physical challenges. The entire process will be broadcast on basic cable for the enjoyment of the Xyloxian population under the program name “Who Wants to be a Planetary Ambassador” (working title).
Will we need to take you to our leader?
Yes. Please make sure your leader‘s schedule has been cleared during the time of the invasion. Also, if you could shave the rear neckline of his head in advance (for easy brain slug insertion), that would be ideal. Thanks in advance.
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may enjoy include: