Jeff Wysaski
Recently, Pleated Jeans had the opportunity to sit down with God for an intimate interview (to learn more about how this interview came about and what God is like in person, please review this previous post). This historic and mind-blowing interview can be found below:
Pleated Jeans: First off, thank you so much for meeting with me. Peace be with you.
God: And also with you.
PJ: Let’s start from the beginning. “In the beginning God created the heavens and earth.” What spurred you to embark on such a momentous project?
God: You know, my fascination with creating life goes back as far as I can remember. Even in my early days – when I was nothing more than an unorganized collection of pure white light – I can recall conjuring up microcosms of simple life forms. Why was I drawn to such magnanimous ventures? Boredom, mostly. I mean, just because I exist wholly outside of the dimension of time, that doesn’t mean I can’t feel it dragging on around me.
PJ: So this universe wasn’t your first?
God: Oh, Me no! There were hundreds of failed drafts before I finally got it right. The idea of molecules, DNA, perfectly balanced physics – all these ingredients for a full-fledged universe took time. Truth be told, I was actually getting quite frustrated near the end of it. I just couldn’t figure out the one key element that was a necessity for all life. Then one day, by pure happenstance, a horror movie I was watching startled me, causing me to get hydrogen in my oxygen. This, of course, resulted in water. I went to work on the heavens and earth the very next morning.
PJ: And of course, we all know that on the seventh day you rested. But just how exactly did you relax after creating an entire universe?
God: The same way I always relax when I need some down time – by staying in my pajamas all day and watching pre-runs of Law and Order.
PJ: Through the ages, many philosophies about you have surfaced: God is love, God is vengeful, etc. Who is the real God?
God: Look, when it all comes down to it, I’m just your normal, every man who just happens to be omniscient, all-knowing and the creator of everything that ever was or ever will be. To be honest, I’m none of those things and none of the philosophers really got it right. That is, except for the great Michael W. Smith, who correctly hypothesized that “My God is an Awesome God.”
PJ: Amen to that.
God: Amen indeed.
PJ: Why do bad things happen to good people?
God: Umm…well…hey…I thought we discussed this beforehand. Wasn’t this just supposed to be a fluff piece? Everything beyond lighthearted anecdotes and current events was supposed to be out of bounds.
PJ: But God, the people want to know.
God: Look, I don’t have to defend myself on this one. I’ll just say that I have a plan and leave it at that. And this plan is so amazing – so incredibly intricate – that when you all see the ending you’ll know that it was all worth it. You know how the creators of Lost pre-planned everything from the beginning? Well Damon Lindelof ain’t got nothing on me. Geez, I thought I came here to discuss my newest project, not get drilled on the mechanisms of my grand plan.
PJ: You’re right.
God: I’m not just right. I’m infallible.
PJ: Of course. So let’s discuss your latest project then.
God: Excellent, yes. It’s called Jesus: The Second Coming, and I’m very excited about it.
PJ: As is the public. The Second Coming has been the heavily anticipated sequel to Jesus Christ for quite some time. Tell me, how do you intend to reintroduce Your Son to the world without simply retelling history.
God: Oh believe me, the Second Coming will be a completely fresh and uplifting new tale. I don’t want to give too much away about the plot, but I will say that this new adventure has something Jesus never encountered in Biblical times: a love story.
PJ: Sounds enticing. However, I must point out that the release date for this project continues to be pushed back. In fact, no actual date for the Second Coming has yet to be announced. This has historically not been a good sign for creative projects…
God: Yes, well when it comes to the Second Coming, timing is everything. Like I said earlier, I’ve planned out everything since the birth of time. The project has been cemented for quite some time. I’m just waiting for the right events to fall into place. And if you are skeptical about the future impact that the Second Coming will have, I can tell you without a doubt that it will be epic. And believe me, you can trust my prediction.
And with that, God thanked me with a pleasant wink, paid the bill for his buffalo wings, spun in a circle with arms outstretched like Wonder Woman, and presumably returned to heaven to sit on his thrown. For the next several hours after sitting in God’s presence, an odd feeling remained swept over my body. As it turns out, this feeling was heartburn from the dozen Blazin’ buffalo wings I had just consumed. However, I have decided to intentionally mistake that feeling for divine insight.
After reading this interview, I hope you too have a similar burning sensation in your heart.
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may enjoy include: