Jeff Wysaski
Has a lifetime of piracy on the high seas left you with hooks for hands? Did a mad scientist replace your upper appendages with a couple of worthless water cannons? Has a birth defect left you struggling through life with a couple of cacti fused to your upper forearms?
If so, then why not join the Support Group for People With Things for Hands? At the Support Group for People With Things for Hands, you’ll benefit from the positive reinforcement and encouragement of people who routinely experience the same daily trials and tribulations that you do.
Have you ever felt the need to complain about clothing, and how it is insufficiently designed for the unnaturally handed individual? Whether you’re having trouble finding the right cuff size to snugly fit around those skinny pool cues, your circular saws keep shredding your nice work shirts or you just plain can’t get those damn tree trunks through those ill-proportioned sleeves, we’ve all been there.
Likely, your ill-begotten appendages have left you feeling disconnected and cut off from the rest of the world. However, you should know that you are not alone. Everywhere, all over the world, there are several people just like you.
The Support Group for People With Things for Hands is a place of safety. Share your thoughts, feelings and inner dreams with people who understand what you are going through. No subject is taboo. Talk about such issues as:
- Your difficulty typing e-mails, making phone calls or writing thank-you notes to loved ones
- Dating catastrophes
- The out-dated custom of the handshake
- How much you love the movie Edward Scissorhands
- Your perplexity towards the appeal of chopsticks
- What you imagine soup might taste like
- How many people you accidentally killed this week
Finally, a place to meet and openly discuss all the difficulties and discriminations felt by the alternatively-handed community. When you meet with the Support Group for People With Things for Hands, you’ll finally have that one safe place to relax and be yourself.
Are your hands edible marshmallows, pizza slices or Mexican chimichangas? Then you are invited to finally let your guard down and have a normal conversation without people constantly salivating or picking at your delicious, exceptionally tasty-looking hands.
Or perhaps your hands are the heads of live animals, such as alligators, puppy dogs or dolphins. Join the Support Group for People With Things for Hands and discover what it’s like to have a conversation without some jerk asking if he can “pet your hands.” Or, alternately, if you can “put a muzzle on that thing.”
Think your things for hands are too freakish, grotesque or ungodly for the Support Group for People With Things for Hands? Well, think again, because we’ve seen it all. From meatballs to footballs and active volcanoes to Activia yogurt cartons – all are welcome at the Support Group for People With Things for Hands.*
The Support Group for People With Things for Hands meets every Tuesday from 7:00 to 8:30 at the community learning annex. Drinks will be provided. Please bring your own really, really long straws (as there is no table).
*So long as you have THINGS for HANDS. Individuals with hands for hands will not be admitted. Additionally, if you have things for feet, please take your freakishly disgusting deformity elsewhere.
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