Jeff Wysaski
Experts will tell you that admitting defeat and apologizing is the right thing to do when it is clear that you have been beaten in an argument. However, pretty much anyone who is used to winning knows that this is the stupidest thing they’ve ever heard. Only meek, wimpy people who don’t have any courage (or muscles) apologize. These people are called losers.
Winners, on the other hand, possess a healthy combination of pride and stubbornness that allows them to continually argue their correct viewpoint even when confronted with such argumentative nuisances as “facts” and “science.” And so, once again, much like “evolution” and the “round-earth theory,” the experts are wrong.
The words, “I’m sorry,” should never be uttered by a winner…because a winner is never wrong. Yet, if you are ever faced with a particularly persuasive loser who poses a particularly convincing argument, you may feel pressured to give up and concede defeat. If such is the case, then it’s time to take a cue from one of the smartest and most cunning animals on this vast and expansively flat planet of ours – the weasel – and learn how to weasel out of a concession speech. Tips for avoiding an apology and winning any argument are as follows:
Quote Fraudulent Statistics
If you’re opponent is too stupid to take your intuitive knowledge of a topic at face value, then it may be worthwhile to make up a bunch of fake statistics to back up your claim. For example, in an argument over safe highway speed limits, you might say, “96 percent of all accidents occur at speeds below 100 mph.” Obviously, such a fact would support your correct view as a winner that highway speed limits should be set above 100 mph.
Keep Yelling the Same Point Over and Over
When it all comes down to it, persistence is often the key to avoiding an apology. The easiest way to accomplish this is by repeatedly countering your opponent’s onslaught of new facts and incites with one, sharply pointed fact. For example, perhaps some moron has erroneously suggested to you that dolphins are mammals. By continually yelling, “Dolphins have flippers! Dolphins are fish!” over and over at the person, he or she will inevitably grow weary of the argument and concede defeat.
If the person remains convicted in their faulty beliefs, then you probably aren’t yelling loud enough. Cup your hands over your mouth or use a megaphone to better get your point across.
Fake an Injury
If you’re argument has run out of steam, or you’ve begun to go hoarse from yelling, then it’s best to divert attention away from an inevitable defeat by faking an injury. This can be achieved in a myriad of ways. For example, if you are in a car you could crash it and start screaming about a “pulled hammy.” Or, if you happen to be in a meat-packing factory, you might “accidentally” thrust your hand into a meat grinder. Regardless of your tactics, the ultimate goal is to require enough medical attention to be whisked away to the hospital before your friendly debate can reach a conclusion.
Use Air Quotes
If all else fails and you discover that the only way you’re going to get this idiot to stop trying to tell you about how dogs went into space before humans did (yeah right), then the best thing to do is give him or her a fake apology. For best results, do so by making air quotes every time you say, “I’m sorry,” or “you’re right.” Also, say everything in a really sarcastic tone. This will work because people stupider than you don’t understand sarcasm or how to properly use quotation marks.
Thinking they’ve won the argument, they’ll foolishly turn and leave. At which point, you can quietly whisper, “psyche” under your breath and slyly smirk in the knowledge that you’ve bested yet another retard.
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