Jeff Wysaski
Attention friends: hello, it’s me, Roger – you’re fellow student from Professor Copeland’s American History 101 class. Seeing as how this is the first week of college for a lot of us, I figured it was about time to get this party started by throwing my first college rager. Since I’m new to the campus, I thought it would be a great excuse to show off my killer party skills and hopefully get to know you all a little better.
Now, since sending out the Facebook invite, I’ve received a lot of questions about the night’s festivities. Personally, I thought the title: “80s Dance Party” would be description enough, but given the amount of ensuing confusion, I’ve decided to put together this little FAQs e-mail about my party. Hopefully, this will clear everything up.
This party has a 1980s theme, right?
Close, but no banana, fellow coed. The 80s in that title refers to the 1880s (duh). So, instead of wearing neon t-shirts and acid-wash jeans (boring), we’ll be decked out in hip, lavish petticoats and 100-percent wool tuxedos. Ladies, extra points for bringing a parasol and wearing a corset (note: a fainting chair will be provided, so feel free to cinch that baby tight for historical accuracy).
Do I have to wear a costume?
YES! The whole point of an 80s dance party is to travel back in time to relive the nostalgia of a previous era. As such, I’d hate to see a pair of skinny jeans or an ironic t-shirt spoil the illusion for everyone (don’t be that guy). Seriously, it’s not hard to find an authentic 19th-century outfit – any historical preservation society would be glad to hook you up – so no excuses!
Will there be dancing?
Well, of course! An 80s Dance Party wouldn’t be anything without a whole lot of dancing. My buddy, Lars, will be manning the ones and twos with all of your favorite 19th-century classical tunes. So be ready to hold the hand of your favorite boy or girl at eye level, stare into his or her eyes with serious intent, and slowly spin in circle across the room.
For added fun, a Maypole will be provided! I know it’s not May, but what the hell, right?
Will there be drinks?
Now, I may be a little naïve, but I know that even a historically accurate party needs drinks – this is college after all! As such, fear not because plenty of libations will be on hand and ready to FUCK YOU UP! I mean, the fresh-squeezed lemonade alone has enough in it to give you one heck of a sugar rush! Of course, there will also be steamed milk, rooted beer and unpurified well water!
What else can I expect at this party?
A heck of a lot of folderol, that’s what! In between dancing sessions, you’ll also be able to dine on fine figgy pudding and stewed rabbit. Also, my buddies Victor and Maurice will be walking around taking pictures, so no need to bring your own camera. Now, their painted portraits may not be digital, but trust me, standing completely still for 30 to 40 minutes while they get it all down on the canvas is well worth it for the finished product!
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