Jeff Wysaski
Hey Alphonse, buddy, I know you just got back from the iron maiden and everything, but will you stop moaning in agony for two seconds and listen to me? You see that lady over there that they’ve got chained to the rack? Yeah, that’s right, the one with the really long arms.
Well, I was wondering, do you think she likes me? Because, I’ll be honest, I think she’s super cute. And normally, I wouldn’t think that a girl like that would go for a guy like me – I mean, look at me, I’m chained to a dungeon wall, covered in filth and wearing tattered rags – but I swear to God I keep catching her looking over here at me.
Although, it’s hard to say if she’s looking over here because she likes me, or because I happen to be in her line of sight. And, of course, I keep looking at her, so maybe she keeps looking at me because she’s trying to figure out if I’M staring at HER.
Regardless, man, I think I’m in love. You think I should talk to her? Maybe ask her out? I mean, the pool of eligible ladies down here in this windowless dungeon is pretty shallow. Given that fact, I should probably make my move before some other chump gets a chance.
Oh, but then what if it doesn’t work out? Most likely, we’ll both be stuck in this stone basement of despair for the rest of our lives. Which means I’d have to look at my ex from across the room for all eternity. Talk about awkward!
I mean, can you imagine getting thrown into one of those tiny cages hanging from the ceiling up there, only to look over to discover that your ex is your neighbor? Now, that’s what I call torture! You better just hope she’s wearing an iron mask and can’t talk, am I right?
But still, I think I should go for it. Because seriously, I can’t even remember the last time I kissed a girl. Oh sure, the guards make me kiss their boots all the time, but a cold, muddy boot just isn’t the same as kissing a pretty girl – no matter how good you are at closing your eyes and pretending.
And look at the lips on that girl! Sure, they’re all dried and cracked and covered in blood and stuff, but even still, I bet kissing her would be like kissing a big cloud of cotton candy.
Oh my God! Did she just smile at me? Alphonse, did you see that? Was that a smile? Did that girl just smile at me? Or was she just clenching her teeth in response to the intense pressure that those racks are putting on her muscles and tendons? And was that a wink, or is she just writhing in pain?
Oh God, I can’t even tell when a girl is flirting with me anymore! That’s it, I’ve got to ask her out. Alphonse, you’re scheduled to go onto the rack later today, right? Do you think I could switch with you? Because if I could get the guards to rip my appendages from my torso with the help of that rack right next to her, man, that would be so sweet!
Wow, really? You’ll really let me switch with you this afternoon? Oh Alphonse, you are too kind! Oh joy! I can’t believe I’m going up on the rack today!! Of all the luck!
Okay Alphonse, if I’m going to impress her, I’m going to need to look my best. Which is why I need to borrow your tattered rags.
Oh, come on, man! Your rags are so much nicer than mine! Mine don’t even cover my malnutritioned stomach. Just look at this giant rib cage I have jutting out from my emaciated body – it’s gross! I can’t have her seeing this – at least not on the first date!
Oh sweet, thanks man! You’re a lifesaver! But just so you know, if I end up bringing her back over here when all things are said and done, I’m gonna need you to do me one more solid and make yourself scarce. Because, I’m telling you man, if these chains are rockin, you do not need to come knockin!
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