Jeff Wysaski
When we are young, we all have dreams about the future. Perhaps you wanted to be a doctor, or an actress, or even a famous writer. Thankfully, by the time most of us grow up, we realize how incredibly intangible and difficult it is to accomplish such a dream.
And so we inevitably forget about these silly, childish ideas of “achieving our full potentials,” “enjoying our jobs” or “being happy” and quietly dig ourselves into a nice, comfortable rut from which we can slowly pass our time with minimum effort or stress.
Naturally, this is as it should be. However, for the unlucky few who still cling to the ridiculous dream of one day “publishing a novel” or “curing cancer,” the long and arduous road of constant failures and setbacks is an all too common occurrence. If you would like to break free from this real-world nightmare and learn how to blissfully coast through life as if in a coma, then do yourself a favor and follow these four simple steps:
Get a Job That Slowly Sucks the Life Out of You
If you’re a dreamer, the first thing you need to get rid of is all that motivation and self drive. One of the best ways to flush these unwanted characteristics from your life is to slowly crush your spirit under the weight of an unfulfilling job. If you’re having trouble finding such a job, then you haven’t been looking very hard – shitty jobs are everywhere.
For best results, stick to the corporate or retail worlds. These fields are especially monotonous, and almost certain to leave you a mere shell of yourself. After a couple years of staring at your cubicle walls and discussing how much you hate Mondays with your co-workers, you can bet that spirit of yours will slowly crumble and fade away.
Tip: steer clear of “mirage industries” such as entertainment and fashion. Seeing others succeed around you may falsely convince you that your dreams are worth pursuing.
Buy a Premium Cable Package
If you’ve found the right job (i.e. the first one that was offered to you), then chances are you’ll be nice and wiped after putting in your 9 to 5 every day. At least, you better hope so – otherwise you may be tempted to pursue your dreams in the off hours. To eliminate such motivations, invest in a premium cable package.
Television – or as scholars call it, “The Great Distracter” – is the miracle invention that helps you turn off all those nagging voices in the back of your head that keep telling you to make something of yourself. And with hundreds of channels to choose from, you can be sure that something at least slightly amusing will be on to distract you at all times.
Tip: steer clear of inspirational or educational shows, as these may get you thinking about your life. Better options include TMZ, CSI: Miami and pretty much anything on MTV.
Take Up Drinking
Drinking is another great way to slowly drown the motivation out of you. A few glasses of Merlot, Chardonnay or Irish Car Bombs after work, and your head will be swimming with anything but creativity. Plus, filling that hole inside of you with alcohol (or drugs, or sex, or any other vice for that matter) will trick you into thinking nothing is missing in your life.
Bring Others Down With You
Once you’ve successfully given up on your dreams and accepted life as a normal, completely average person, it’s time to pay it forward and help others by bringing them down with you. If a friend or loved one is struggling with giving up on his or her dreams, help them out by saying things like, “you’ll never succeed” or “why don’t you take a break and come watch some TV with me?” Not only will this save your friend from a lifetime of heartbreak, but it will also make things more tolerable for you – remember, misery loves company.
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