Jeff Wysaski
Mad scientists apply the principles of science and mathematics in an attempt to bring a myriad of evil, self-promoting schemes to fruition. While the ultimate goal of a mad scientist may be world domination, other, lesser career aspirations may include exacting revenge on a perceived antagonist, re-animating corpses and tricking a girl into falling in love with him.
Job duties of a mad scientist may include:
- Setting up and maintaining laboratory equipment
- Monitoring experiments
- Robbing graves
- Kidnapping live human specimens
- Controlling the weather
- Attaching lasers to sharks or bears
- Standing over colored, bubbling test tubes and laughing maniacally
The majority of mad scientists work indoors in laboratory settings. Due to the inherent secrecy of the profession, most labs are found in rural or remote areas. Locations that boast the largest populations of mad scientists include underground lairs deep below the earth’s surface, the interior cavity of active volcanoes, and hollowed-out chambers within the four presidential heads of the Mt. Rushmore monument.
While post-secondary education is not a requirement for employment within the field, a master’s or doctoral degree is often beneficial for the purposes of understanding the complexities of such advanced topics as human biology, germ warfare and skin-melting chemical compounds. College graduates also benefit from the opportunity to be over-shadowed by the scientific pursuits of a more good-natured and humanitarian student, which studies have shown is a key factor in achieving success in the field.
Beyond formal education, a considerable amount of real-world experience is also suggested for the aspiring mad scientist. Extracurricular activities that may improve job prospects include losing touch with reality, learning to work with and around chloroform-soaked rags and physically enlarging his or her brain through the use of radioactive materials or other means.
Personality traits that may be beneficial for mad scientists include dementia, lack of social skills, callousness towards the emotions of others, megalomania and the ability to multitask.
Potential work hazards for the professional mad scientist are unusually high in comparison to other professions, and include everything from accidental poisoning and incineration to being assaulted by a mob of villagers carrying torches or foiled by a suave government agent right after detailing his or her entire plot for world domination.
Recent advancements in the fields of cloning, mind control and ray gun technology suggest that overall job prospects for mad scientists will grow much faster than the average of all U.S. professions. In fact, by the year 2015, experts project that an evil cadre of mad scientists will supplant themselves as global leaders of the human race through the use of subliminal hypnosis and heat-ray vision.
Earning potential for these industry leaders is estimated to be $3,500,000,000,000 annually.
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