FAQs for My “Big Game” Party

Hey buds, if you’re reading this, then you have either ticked the “Attending” or “Maybe” tabs on my Big Game Facebook event invite! If you are definitely coming, then I just have one thing to say: you won’t be disappointed. And if you’re still trying to decide whether or not to come, then I just want to win you over with five little words: carrot sticks with ranch dressing.

Needless to say, we’re having tons of fun whether or not you decide to show up! To help prepare you for this truly epic event, I’ve put together this little FAQ:

Why do you keep calling it the “Big Game” Party?

Sorry guys, but the NFL never e-mailed me back about my request, which means we DO NOT have the expressed written consent to use ANY trademarked or proprietary NFL terms or phrases at the party (including the one that rhymes with “shmooper shmole“). Seeing as how I would rather not get fined for copyright infringement, I’m going to request we all refer to the football match as either “The Big Game,” “The Super Match” or “The Substantial Bowl.”

While we’re on the subject, you’ll be blowing your noses with “facial tissues,” eating “lime-flavored gelatin cubes” and tossing around “flying discs” during halftime. Also, when the game is over and I ask you what you’re going to do now, you should say “I’m going to generic popular amusement park chain acreage!”

What should I wear?

Hey, come on – what would a Substantial Bowl be without football jerseys and team ball caps? Of course, I want all of you to show up in your most diehard football fan duds! Having said that, I know we’re not all going to be rooting for the same team. As such, I’m going to ask that you keep your football jerseys as generic and non-descript as possible. After all, we don’t want to offend anyone by telling him that his team choice is wrong (rude). This means no clothing that matches the colors of either team’s jersey!

Can We at Least Cheer When Our Team Scores?

Again, we don’t want anybody at the party to have their feelings hurt. Additionally, let me remind you that there will be lots of snacks and drinks – meaning that any abrupt movements or fits of unrestrained joy may result in spilled carrot sticks or splashed two-percent milk. As such, I’m going to ask that we all sit quietly and keep our thoughts about the game to ourselves.

Also, my little boy, Jimmy, is going to be sleeping in the next room, so really guys, we can’t get too rowdy.

Did you get the big screen TV?

Oh yeah, baby – and I can tell you right now that it is a thing of beauty! We’re talking a screen so big and a picture quality so crystal-clear, that you’ll swear that all the action is actually taking place right in front of you! Trust me, you will not be disappointed! I’m telling you, when you see little Jimmy on that screen, you’ll swear he was sleeping right in front of you!

Oh yeah, small note: I’ve got to keep an eye on Jimmy all day, so I’ll have the video monitor hooked up to the TV. But don’t worry, because we can totally still watch the game thanks to picture-in-picture! I’m sure we’ll totally still be able to make out most of the action!

Should I bring headphones?

Probably. The TV will be on mute on account of Jimmy. He’s a light sleeper.


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